Behind The Mirror

Chapter 1: Let me introduce myself

"Can you imagine a world without fear? Because I can't. Like, imagine more people living their best life without the constant thought of their fears getting in the way. And Im not talking about those crazy fears like committing crimes or doing something illegal. Im talking about fears like social phobia, tests, asking someone out, public speaking, and dogs. Yes, even dogs. Whatever the fear is, they can really blind us from being risk-takers and spontaneous or doing stuff we wouldn't normally do. I mean, come on, how crazy would it be to live in a world without fear? It'd probably feel like being on top of the world."

"But sadly, whether we want to admit it or not, those monsters exist. It sucks and they can be very embarrassing to talk about, but they live within us. I have shitty fears of my own that I live with them every single day. See, it's not a common fear like arachnophobia, fear of spiders, or, acrophobia, fear of heights. My fear is being forgotten and forgetting. Forgotten by the ones I love and forgetting the ones I love. It's called athazagoraphobia and it's a common fear, but it's rarely ever discussed.

Symptoms of athazagoraphobia includes panic attacks, anxiety, detachment from others, overwhelming need to escape, and the worse one of all, feeling powerless. They haunt me every day, and I can never go a day without going through each symptom.

So, let me introduce myself. Hi! I'm Nicole Pierce and I'm 22 years old. Umm....I live in New York City, or better known as "The Big Apple." It's expensive as hell and the people are wild, but it's home.

Let's see. . . I lived in Hyde Park, New York all my life, but I had to get out. The people think they're worth "billions" and are only interested in their neighbor's lives instead of their own. I always dreamed about getting away from there and moving to the city ever since I was kid. The town was nice and all with their allurement of sights but, I'm the type of girl who seeks adventure and excitement. My older siblings, Brianna and Alex, live in Buffalo, dont ask why, while my little sister, Brooke, is home with my parents. They all think I'm insane for moving here, however, I like to think of myself as being "moonstruck" by the city life. Everything is great here. My friends, the clubs, the food and of course, my career. I'm a veterinary assistant and the animals I see every day are so cute! I wish I can take them all home with-"

I shut Adrienne's camera off, abruptly, and jump into my bed. "These videos aren't going to help me with anything or help someone out there. I'm just wasting time."

Adrienne grabs the camera from my desk and pulls up the video. "Quit being dramatic, Nicole. You just got to relax and talk to the camera like it's a friend, not a job interview."

"Maybe I should stop before I embarrass myself. Nobody cares about athazagoraphobia. They probably don't even see it as a real fear."

"Yes, they do."

"No, they don't." I take my pillow and give my back to her. "It's stupid with talk about with people, let alone viewers."

"You need to let your viewers know that it's okay to be afraid of things, and to remind them to not let those fears control their lives." She sits down on the edge of my bed and hands the camera back to me. "It'll work, you'll see. Tons of people post about their daily struggles with disorders and stuff."

I sit up and move next to Adrienne at the bottom of the bed to watch the video with her. As we watch the screen, I notice that my hair is disheveled, there's dark circles under my eyes and it looks like I haven't slept for weeks, maybe even months. Everything changed for me when my grandfather suddenly passed away 12 years ago. He was my best friend and we shared the same fear, so it was easy to talk to him about it. No one understood me more than him and it kills me, I can't even remember his funeral or if we even had one. I can't remember anything about him, and my family doesn't talk about it, it's like he just fell off the face of our memories and it hurts me to my very core.