Growing Pains

Chapter Thirty-Six

Courtney

My dreams were filled with the smell of pine and cinnamon and flashes of green-blue eyes. I tossed and turned all night, at one point waking up and washing my face with cold water to try to get some clarity.

Even as I woke up this morning, my cheek still tingled with the feeling of his hands. My mind flashed with the memory of his eyes darting down to my lips as if he wanted to know what they tasted like. I felt that bloom of warmth deep in my stomach, something I never felt before.

I knew what it all meant. I had feelings for Duncan. That stupid miserable delinquent who was more trouble that what it was worth. He made my blood boil in more ways than one and it took me a long time to figure it out. He was the passion I was missing.

I stared up at the ceiling as the early grey of dawn poured into my room. It took me everything I had not to get up, walk down the hall, open his door, and climb into his bed with him.

I had never felt this way before about any guy. I thought I really liked Justin, but it didn't feel like this. There was this neediness clawing at me. It was like I finally learned how to breathe and I was greedy enough to want more.

I felt guilty. It was too soon, wasn't it? I had just gotten my heart broken by one guy and here I was ready to hand over the shattered pieces to the next. Just yesterday I was so close to swearing off relationships altogether. But a small part of me knew that this was different. These feelings didn't feel necessarily new but just fully realized. It was as if they finally surfaced and were here to stay.

I got up, rubbing my hands down my face to try and clean away the thoughts that raced there. I walked into the bathroom, washing my face and brushing my teeth as I contemplated what I would say to him next. There were a million of scenarios that raced around my head, but I knew most of them were far from the truth.

I brushed out my hair, examining my pajamas. I was wearing an old white cotton T-shirt that had shrunk in the wash, revealing a thin strip of my skin and a bit of cleavage—two things I was never comfortable showing off, besides the fact that I wasn't even wearing a bra. I was wearing baggy old sweatpants with a few miscellaneous stains dotting the legs.

This was the outfit he saw me in last night. To say I was mortified didn't begin to cover it.

I looked away from the mirror not liking the sight and walked out the bathroom. I changing into a pair of jeans, a bra, and a comfy sweater that was not revealing in the slightest. I swiped on a bit of mascara, contemplating more make-up.

I shook my head, tightly closing my eyes. "Pull it together, Court," I mumbled.

I bounded down the stairs, trying not to look overtly excited at the thought of seeing Duncan for one of our early morning conversations. I headed into the kitchen, making two cups of coffee, before walking out.

As I passed the dinning room table, I looked out the large windows that made up most of the back patio doors. I saw a glimpse of him standing there, staring at the early morning sunrise as it peaked over the lake and the small spread of mountains, that were basically glorified hills.

I opened the door and smiled at him as he looked over his shoulder. He gave me a thin smile back, one that didn't quite carry the warmth I was expecting.

I brushed it off, handing him his coffee cup. "Here you are," I said, trying to make my voice sound even. He dipped his head in thank you grabbing it from me. I noticed how he carefully avoided my fingers, which only made my anxiety heighten.

We stood there in silence as I tried to figure out what to say. I wanted to talk to him, ask him if he felt the same way as I did, but his eyes seemed so far away. I looked up at them, wondering where they could possibly be, only to find them staring back.

They were so beautiful in the light of the early morning. They looked like chips of seaglass, clear and bright. They flickered down to my mouth, and I felt my lips part with the overwhelming need to touch his own lips to mine.

He looked up at me, a question hidden in his eyes—one I couldn't decipher. I felt myself move towards him, only taking a small step, as if I was pulled in by magnets. His eyes widened slightly and he looked away.

I felt embarrassment crash down on me. I was being too forward. This was Duncan. He didn't mess around with girls like me. He liked the tall curvy girls, not the 5'4 booksmart ones.

"Do you remember the first time we did this two years ago?" He asked softly, his voice deep from the early hours.

I knew what he meant, and my mind flickered back to the image of him that day two years ago. That day was the first time I noticed how attractive he really was. I noticed the muscles that started to form and the contrast of his tan skin, dark hair, and light eyes. I almost liked it all so much that I forgot that Gwen and him had broken up just a month before.

"Yeah," was all I said back. I still felt embarrassment hot against my cheeks. He just subtly rejected me and then started talking about something else so that it wouldn't be awkward.

"You told me how great it was that Gwen and I were still friends. That it would mess up the friend group if it ended poorly," his voice was cold, feeling like ice in my blood.

"Yeah, I did." My voice was barely a whisper against the cold wind of winter that brushed my hair out of my face. I took a sip of my coffee and set it on the banister. I felt the warmth of the coffee's steam brushing my chin with a soft kiss.

"I mean, look at what's happened," he added, his voice growing stronger with some budding conviction. I knew what he was saying. I knew what he was saying because I had felt the same way when I thought we had a moment two years ago. I cared too much about the friend group to destroy it all for a relationship.

But all the logic in the world didn't stop me from saying, "I got it, Duncan. Don't worry I'll shut down my feelings and move on with my life." I don't know why I said it. It was such a dangerous game and I had just shown him my hand with no thought of how he would react.

He turned to me, but I didn't look at his face. I just stared out, my eyes burning a hole into the lake as I glowered.

"What?" He mumbled. There was something in his voice that made me wonder if he wasn't talking about us at all. I wondered if he was talking about someone else, and I had just assumed something else entirely.

I looked up at him, a wave of embarrassment hanging over my head and threatening to drown me at any moment. "Never mind," I mumbled.

"Wait, Court, do you have feelings for someone in the group?" I looked over at him, seeing the specificity of his question in his eyes. He wanted to know if I had feelings for him. I wasn't sure what to say. I could deny it, but there was a quiet hope that sparkled in his eyes that hadn't before.

"Well, I—" I was cut off by the door swinging open to reveal DJ.

"Yo, any of you seen the frying pan? I can't make pancakes without it," He smiled lazily, completely unaware of the building tension that hung in the air between Duncan and I.

Duncan looked away, his shoulders tense. "Um," I drawled, not tearing my eyes away from the brooding boy. "I haven't seen it," I finally looked up at DJ to find him frowning. "I'll help you look," I picked up my coffee cup, not sparing Duncan another glance as I headed inside.

I felt jittery and relieved. I was glad that I couldn't finish that conversation with Duncan, but I knew the rest of it was coming. I just didn't know when, and I really hoped it wasn't soon.