Frerard OneShots (finished)

XXIII - Stay

[Mention of cheating, alcohol and drug abuse, and rape. Stay safe!]

"I'm done with you!" You yelled, your bag already in your hand.

"Please, stay!" I begged, tears forming in my eyes. "I love you, you know that," I frowned at you, a frantic smile on my face before it vanished again, "please."

You didn't answer, you just slapped me across the face and left, your stomping footsteps fading away in the distance when I heard the ignition of your car start.

That was three days ago and here I am, in your arms while you sleep peacefully--more or less. You drank again. The smell of alcohol filled my- our whole apartment the second you stepped inside. 

I still don't know why I didn't already take your key away from you. I'm probably hoping you'll change but God, I already know that you won't.

You stir slightly and a smile creeps up on my lips. I brush some hair out of your face and my back aches. I already know that I won't be able to go to work the next morning. I never am when you do what you did just a few minutes ago. You immediately fell asleep after, leaving me to clean everything up.

I didn't want any of this. But you didn't care. You never do.

I wonder how long you'll stay this time. You never stay longer than a week before you leave and after a few days, you come back to me, drunk, or high, sometimes both. It hurts me to see you in such a state so I always let you in.

That is dumb, I know, no one has to tell me that, but I still love you. I told you I'd always do all those years ago when we started dating and I never broke my promise. You did though.

You promised me to stop drinking and that you would never hurt me in any way. Well, you did both multiple times.

I'm not blaming you for your mistakes. It's the pressure from your boss, I'm sure it is. He always pressures you so much, you don't have another choice than alcohol.

Right?

I cup your face and kiss your forehead, the taste of stale alcohol still evident on my lips. I'd kiss you again, no matter what. I'd still kiss you if you would be sick or blood would flow out of your mouth, I'd still do it if you wanted me to. But, there wouldn't be this passion behind it anymore.

It already isn't anymore.

It feels as if you only kiss me because you need to kiss someone and not because you want to kiss me. And it hurts me every time. And still, I yearn for your lips on mine.

You are a disaster; the most selfish person I ever met; you are destructive and dangerous and not loving at all--and still, I want you to stay, to love me even though I know you can't, to hold me tight and never let go, to kiss me and tell me that you love me. Just like you did at the start.

When did you get so aggressive? So selfish? So out of control? When did you start hurting me?

It was long ago but I still feel the tingling on my cheek the first time you ever hit me. I was crying after, you made me sleep on the couch, and in the middle of the night, I crawled into bed beside you and asked for forgiveness. But you just turned your back to me and the next day, you acted as if nothing had happened.

That was the worst you could have done to me. Ignoring me and my apology, acting as if everything was perfectly fine when it clearly wasn't.

My chest aches when I think about you leaving again. I can't stand the silence that rules our apartment when you're not here. I wanna hear your voice, your laugh all day long, I yearn to feel your gentle touch on my body again, making my skin tingle with nerves.

But I know that I'll never be able to feel your affection again. Because you don't show it anymore.

I also know that you cheated on me. Multiple times.

What? Did you think I didn't notice other men's cologne on you? The marks they left on your neck and chest? The way you would show up with disheveled hair but a smile on your face?

It hurt me every time when you would come home like that; smelling like another man, as if I meant nothing to you.

I probably didn't.

And I probably don't now.

But that's okay. I promise. I would let you hurt me in any way as long as you're not hurt. You can cheat on me--I don't even know if we're a couple anymore--and I won't care about it. You can break my bones and my heart; use me like you do, anyway; throw me in the trash and I'd still love you.

I'll always do, no matter what.