first kiss ; awg

9%

✧ - A N N A B E L - ✧

"Harriet, crap, where are you?" I muttered urgently into my phone as I sat in the girls toilets. I'd been dialling her for nearly 5 minutes, shaking my knee anxiously.

"I'm just coming out of English...?" she finally picked up and replied on the other line.

"Meet me in the back field in 5."

I sat in the grass, messing with my thumbs nervously, until Harriet arrived with a concerned look on her face. "what's wrong?" Harriet asked, sitting beside me and handing me a strawberry milkshake from the canteen.

"He kissed me."

For a moment she stared at me, an eyebrow raised. "Who...?" When I only replied with 'the look', her jaw dropped and she shook her head in disbelief

"Holy shit." she gasped "Already?"

"Not on the lips." I added hurriedly, panning my gaze to the ground. My hands found themselves unconsciously picking at the grass. Her mouth formed an 'o' as she silently stared at me, waiting for more information.

⠀"But I-I don't know, like... I really like him and it was r-really cute, but then, I don't know, I freaked." The words seemed to explode from my mouth, in stammering sentences.

To set the story straight, I'd had boyfriends in the past. Well, 2, if you counted Steven Michael in 3rd grade. But, in 9th, I met this boy at a youth club Dean and Tim had forced me to go to - because at the time I really had no friends except Harriet - and I guess we just bonded easily. His name was Dominic, he was in 11th grade, and was 2 years older than me. Dominic seemed completely wrapped up in me, fascinated with the smallest things I did, and instantly we started hanging out together. Some days all we would do was chill on the couch, watch a film or go to the park. Eventually, we got pretty close, and I one night he attempted to have sex with me. This wasn't something I wanted, or even had considered at that time. I protested and tried to drop hints I didn't want to, and looking back I should've told him straight up. Consent is key. If his mom hadn't walked in on him in his boxers and me without my top on, he probably would have succeeded.

This guy, who I thought I could trust and wouldn't take advantage of me, had shaken me and my trusts issues. My mind was poisoned with thoughts like 'it's all my fault' and other such self-blaming and self-loathing things. Things I shouldn't ever have had to think, but feelings I couldn't shake. My dads, and my therapist at the time, had tried to drill into me that it wasn't my fault. It was never the victims fault.

Even though Dominic and I got close, and he tried to have sex with me, we never even kissed once before that. So, at the age of 17, I had not experienced my first kiss. Honestly, I was too scared to let another boy in and get that close. and Alex Gaskarth scared me the most, because I liked him; I liked him a lot. And I couldn't see how he could like me back. No one except Harriet knew I'd not had my first kiss, and she would constantly tell me that it wasn't strange, and some people didn't have their first kiss until their 20's, like her grandma. But I wanted to feel that first kiss with someone I loved, someone special, and someone I knew I could trust.

I must've got lost in my thoughts again, as Harriet said "Annabel, it'll happen soon."

"You had your first kiss in 5th grade." I dismissed absentmindedly, pulling up strands of grass from the ground.

"Yeah, with Robert Cutforth." she complained, and mimed gagging to make me laugh.

"I'm sorry, I'm getting moany." I hugged her gently. "I do love you."

"I love you too," she said. "Annabel, you're so beautiful, I don't understand why you haven't got a boyfriend, anyway! At least 70% of the boys at our school would hit that." she said and snapped her fingers in a z shape, pretending to be sassy. "But, no, you go for one of the most popular, out of reach boys in the school. I mean, you would be cute together..."

I zoned out after a bit, and bathed in the warm glow of the autumn sun. Silently, I agreed with myself not to make the first move with Alex, unless I was really serious about liking him. If he didn't like me back, I was worried I would spiral back into that awful state of poisonous thoughts. I was putting myself first.

♡

short chapter ughhh wtf soz soz

do u ship them I do tbh

annalex ??? alabel???? idek

if you have been affected by anything mentioned in this chapter (rape etc) there are people who ARE there for you, and it's such a horrible thing to happen, but you can reach out to people and get help if you need it. no one deserves it. i love you all <3