Losing someone is always hard.... at least that's what I heard growing up! I never fully understood that sentence until my granny, who was my best friend, passed away last June.
I feel like most people blame themselves for not being there at the cause of the accident or at least I have, I wonder if I was there if I could've saved her, I wonder if I was the one at home and I walked with my pop instead of her if it would've made her stay alive? If I would've died? I think if I could I would've done anything, including dying, instead of her... to protect my sisters and my dad/mom and uncles/aunts.
I often wonder if she's happy wherever she is, if she's watching down on us? If she's proud of me.
You see I have a problem, I hate to cry in front of people and I went to see a therapist in the beginning of September last year and he told me "it's ok to cry in front of people you trust and show emotion, no one is going to judge you". And I like to think about that sentence a lot, because I cry a lot. But never in front of people , I don't think that it makes me weak or anything but I hate showing emotions!
I want someone to ask me how I'm truly doing and force me to talk, because I keep my thoughts bubbled up in my head until finally I have a meltdown.
I like to believe that I've changed as a person this past year but I don't know if I changed for the better or worse? I know that I've been a disappointment this past year and I truly am sorry. I'm sorry if I've let any of you down, I have been going through the things in my head by myself and not because nobody has offered to help or offer to talk too, but because i don't want to be an inconvenience and bother people with my stupid problems. Because I feel like most people have dealt with death and probably think I'm being dramatic.
Losing my granny has probably been the hardest thing in my life, that I've had to go through! and I've been through a lot since I was born if I do say so myself. And it probably wouldn't be so hard losing someone if she was here because she could always get me to talk and share but I can't do that this time around. Because she's the one that I lost. I've gone through the 5 stages of grief. And i thought it was supposed to get easier but it hasn't , because when something gets hard or stresses me out and I can't talk to my granny about it, it makes me cry. I hate that.
I wish that I could be more raw and open and tell you what it's been like for me, to tell you every single thing that I've experienced this past year; to tell you every single dream or thought that has gone through my head.... I definitely feel like when you lose someone you lose a part of yourself but I also feel like losing my granny has taught me so much this past year, and that's to always be grateful for everything you have and everyone in your life, to be more compassionate and to tell the people you love them while you still can. I know that I've rambled on and on and I'm sorry.
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I hope if you read all the way through that you have a great day or night, and I want you to know that I'm thankful to have you in my life!
-love
Madison Marshall
