When I think of my problems, I know they're small compared to other peoples problems, so I try not to share them, I'm not doing so good mentally and I'm not sure why, I have tried so hard this past month to become the person I want to be, I've studied and done my homework more than I ever have. But then I get my scores back and it scares me because maybe I'm not going to make it out.... and by that I mean maybe I'm not going to make it out of the south , I will forever be this little seed that can't grow either because I'm too scared or too comfortable where i am.
In late may I got out on some anti-depressants and some anxiety medicine and I noticed how they helped but they also kinda made me feel numb like I didn't cry for a whole month and I'm not saying I wanted to cry but I think I wanted to at least feel like I was human. I haven't taken them in almost 2 months which I probably should, it might actually help with my suicidal thoughts.
If you were to ask me what being happy means to me?
I'm not sure I'd know what to say, except maybe I'd be happy if I wasn't here.
I've always thought about running away and disappearing since I was little and I like to think that it's because I was always surrounded by people and I've always enjoyed being alone to an extent.
My life as I'm sure everyone else's is too; it's stressful
everyone tells me I'm strong but I don't see it and this is not me asking you to tell me why and explain it, I genuinely don't get that. I feel weak, I feel weak for wanting to runaway and wanting to just end it all. I have always tried to be there for people and most of the time I put my life on pause to help someone and I shouldn't expect it back, but who do I call when I think of taking all my pills so that I can overdose on but I put them down because I'm also too weak to do that? Who do I tell when I need someone to come pick me up because I miss them?
When I try to talk to someone they either tell me "you can talk to me about anything" but how am I supposed to tell you when things get bad mentally? Like how would you even be able to help? By saying things will get better or one of my favorites "keep your head up, I'm here" like no thanks that doesn't help it makes me feel more guilty !!! although I'm appreciative.
I'm so tired mentally, I don't know how to keep moving forward.... but I'm genuinely happy here at nsu I actually love it but my mental health ruins everything, it won't ever let me be happy.
The voices in my head seem to be winning this time and that scares me, I've thought about admitting myself into the mental hospital but I'm scared of that too.
Life seems to be draining me and I don't see no hope for the future.
-Maddie
