Ever since i figured out who you were i pictured that we'd have a type of relationship that you see in movies, maybe it was because you were my biological mom, and obviously we share genes and so I guess in my mind I assumed that whatever I was dealing with you would understand somehow because we share genes, because that makes me a part of you but I guess I got more of my dad in me.
You know, the mother-daughter relationship...
Where I'd be able to talk to you about anything , cry on your shoulder when I needed it, go on shopping trips with and who would be there for me when I needed them, that's what I crave to have in a mother.... and you're not any of that to me, and I'm almost 20 so I've given up on that... I know that I most likely will never have that in my life again and I've come to terms with it, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
whenever my granny was in the hospital dying, you only checked up on me once... My friends mom who has been more of a mom in my life than you have, offered to drive 3 hours from Louisiana to be there for me, she even went as far as offering to buy pizza for my family because she knew that we had been at the hospital for 2 days straight... It would have been nice if you would've been there for me especially during that time, but it's over with and I shouldn't be upset, but I am.
I forgive you. But that doesn't mean I won't forget the pain that you have caused me!
I know that people struggle with stuff and that sometimes you can't make it to stuff, but ever since i've visited you in 2011 for the first time i have been the only one making the sacrifices on my part. I know it shouldn't upset me that you haven't tried to visit me but it does, you have had 8 years to come and see me. Not once did my dad bother to file for child support... and i remember asking you for money like 3 times my whole life and you only sent it once and the other you lied to me saying that you were going to send it, and when it didn't come and i texted you more than once asking where it was, you ignored me instead of texting me telling me that you didn't have it at the moment, i would've understood.
You were never there for the important stuff and yet you blame my dads side of the family for that because they threatened you , if you took me. But i have to say that if i were important to you, you would have stayed and tried and fought to be a part of my life and showed up to the i things i considered important,like my back surgery, my first dance , when i got my first kiss. and first boyfriend, or even my graduation. i actually cried when i found out you weren't going to my graduation because in my head i was thinking, "She wouldn't miss this, it's too important" but i guess i shouldn't be surprised that you let me down again. I know that you have other kids and that you have your own life but i had this little speck of hope that maybe i was apart of that life, I know that you didn't have a ride, but my dad didn't have one either and he found one. My dad found a way to be there for me, every single time i needed him and my mom too!
just because i don't want anything to do with you doesn't mean that i don't want anything to do with gavin and jayden, they're my siblings and i will treat them as such, i wish that i didn't miss so much of there lifes but i hope to visit them and only them, more often in the future.
you have hurt me so many times in my life, for only being in it a short amount of time, you have made me feel like i'm not worth loving,That i am easy to abandon, that I'm not important!
You had 20 years to try to be apart of my life, and you have failed in every aspect possible. And I can't keep forgiving you... so I guess I wrote this because you missed out on getting to know me , getting to know what kind of food I like, my style in clothes, my favorite movies, and plenty more.
You might get a glimpse of who I am through what I post, my pictures and the memes I find funny but you will never truly know how I think or who I am based on any of that!
And I will love you always, I don't know why... because I don't know you and you don't know me, but I do; I do love you but I guess that's how my brain works.
This isn't meant to be rude but i needed to get it off my chest so that i can continue on my path toward happiness and if you're reading this, thank you for giving birth to jayden, Gavin and I.
- Madison Marshall
