God's Gift

Let it Go....

We made it to our home in Chennai at around 10:30 in the morning. My family helped us get settled in. After some time, everyone left and went about their duties after having lunch.

Then it was just the four of us. We went to our rooms and put up our stuff and tried our best to get ourselves situated.

To make me slightly feel better, I took a cold ass shower. I was in the shower for AT LEAST an hour. But I had no idea what came over me and I started to cry.

I swear, I was hopeless. There was absolutelty nothing that could take my mind off of Bashar and still had trouble digesting his death.

You may wonder, " You've only known him for a few months.. it's not like you knew him for all your life or were married to him etc" But in those few months, we developed a bond that would last a lifetime.

Soon, everyone was all cleaned up and ready. We were just gonna go to the park or something. My mom was concerned because I was usually the first one to be ready.

" Thanzee ma? How long are you going to be in shower? Come we are all ready. Sweetie are you crying?" exclaimed my mom.

" No mom!! I'm... I'm ok. I'll be out in a bit." I reassured.

**********

" Are you ok Thanzee?" asked both my parents.

I was dressed in a loose blue T shirt and baggy sweat pants while drying my hair. For some reason, I didn't feel like hiding anything from them. I felt bad for lieing to them. Over and over.

" NOO.... I'M NOT OK!!! ALRIGHT??? I have no idea how all of you were able to get pass Bashar's death but I cannot. I'm so sorry if I had your hopes up then suddenly diminished them but this is the truth. I can't mom... I started to sob..... dad, I can't erase Bashar from my mind..." Then that's when I had it.

I sobbed and sobbed and cried all over again. Honestly, call me a fucking cry baby or anything all you want but if you're reading this and you have lost a boyfriend or a girlfriend right in front of you, then you will understand exactly what I mean.

If you haven't, good for you beacuse it's not fun.

I was lying in my mom's lap with my dad patting my head on my bed. My parents did not stop me from crying or said anything to me. I guess they figured that I still had not finished grieving and that I needed more time to let it all go....