Without You

9. An Explanation

"Why?"

"It's not that simple, I– I honestly have no idea where to start."

"Was this some sort of sick plan–"

"No, no, I never– I mean it wasn't planned, it just came to me–"

"What the–how does that even happen," Lindsey cut in angrily before taking a breath to calm himself. Clearly this wasn't getting them anywhere, "I'm just– Stevie, I'm having a tough time understanding I mean, I never thought you'd do something like this. It's just– not like you, or who I thought you were."

"Lindsey," she said pleadingly, begging him to understand something she was fighting to put into words, "I wasn't just thinking about myself. It wasn't about me."

"Hiding away in mountains to observe some façade of mourning sounds pretty selfish to me, Steph."

"You can't—you don't understand what was happening–"

"Then make me understand!" He finally cried, patience gone. He leant forward in his chair, any appearance of calmness lost.

"I'm trying! Lindsey, I'll tell you everything just like I promised. But you have to promise me something too. Please just listen. Don't yell or interrupt, this is already hard."

"Alright," he submitted easily, wanting nothing more than to finally know what had happened. Pinning him with a look, she looked suspicious of his easy compliance but nevertheless began.

"Even though I hardly thought of it until it was already happening, this goes back further.

"At the end of the tour, for Mirage, I wasn't feeling well. My body was just.... I was always exhausted, could barely eat. But with everything going on, I assumed it was all the coke, just like everyone else, or at least some sort of physical manifestation of grief. I'm sure everyone assumed I was doing another bump in the bathroom, I was actually throwing up. Christine caught me once and watched me like a hawk after that. Even made some unsubtle suggestions as to why it was happening. But I- I had already taken precautions for that, and besides the state my body was in, well I didn't think much of them. 

"By the time I came home, it had mostly gone, and I was still reeling from everything with Robin that I pushed it aside. And then Kim contacted me. He knew I was back from touring. He had a meeting that day, some documents and such to alter, and begged me to watch Matthew. When I got there, he was still napping, so I just watched him sleep for a little while. He already looked so much like Kim, but when he woke up and finally looked at me—Linds, his eyes were all hers. After that, it just became easier to be there. Their families were there for a while, but everyone had lives to somehow get back to. Being there with them, I felt closer to her. Everything in that house, it was like being surrounded by her. Matthew was still only weeks old, and Kim was only slightly less helpless in the kitchen than you—I felt needed. And with us not speaking again–well, not that we were ever speaking–eventually it seemed like the only thing to do was get married. I was practically living there and Matthew—I promised her I'd take care of him.

"And then a couple weeks before the wedding, I had an appointment with my doctor, to renew my birth control. Not that our marriage was necessarily going to be traditional in that sense, but I wanted to make sure—I mean, getting pregnant would really have just crossed a line," she laughed deprecatingly. Lindsey didn't find it very funny. 

"It doesn't really matter because they told me that going back on the pill wouldn't make much sense considering I was already over five months pregnant...

Christine was right. 

"...at first I honestly didn't believe them. I couldn't. I had been so distracted but still—I was hardly even showing! But they assured me it was normal, that every woman experiences pregnancy differently but that things would start happening more quickly, that I would feel kicking soon. I had no idea what to do. I was in shock. I went back to Kim and Robin's house, but everything about it that had been so comforting, that brought me closer to her, was suddenly suffocating. I just knew I couldn't do it any longer. Our baby, Linds. Ours. I couldn't just pretend she was someone else's, much less Kim Anderson's. He wasn't home, so I went upstairs and just sat with Matthew, watching him sleep like I had that first day. And I knew. As much as I loved and missed Robin, I couldn't be her. So I left Kim a note, and I ran. I went home for the first time in weeks, just trying to get my head together. It took me days to muster up the courage to call you. But I couldn't keep it from you, I didn't want to. I thought it might be our chance, to finally figure things out. But you never answered. I didn't even know what kind of message to leave, so I tried again a few days later. Same thing-"