Without You

16. Whispers in the Night

He woke to the sudden sensation of wetness against his neck, tears. 

Then fingertips, gentle, as they smoothed across his hairline.

Eyes blinking open, he blurrily took in the dark room, the only light filtering in from beyond the bathroom door. Still, it was enough to see Stevie's dark head tucked under his chin. Her warm breaths fell against his ear, slowly forming soft words. 

"-I didn't want to tell you. Though I'd always dreamed maybe that somehow you'd find us here, I could hardly breathe when I saw you standing in front of me yesterday. And the way you looked at me and held me—I just knew I couldn't tell you." She choked on the words, taking a breath. His eyes remained open, still barely able to process what was happening, what she was saying

"But what you said earlier made me realize that there might be some things worse than the truth. Worse than what I did, or tried to do. And I couldn't bear you thinking that of me. But I'm still scared because-" At this, she lifted her head unexpectedly, their eyes meeting in the darkness. The brief widening of her own and unnatural pause in speech told him she had expected to find him fast asleep. Still, the words poured out of her. 

"-because I didn't want you to hate me more than you already did." Her eyes seared into him, and Lindsey fought to resist the tension mounting in his body at her every word. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Stevie so vulnerable. If she let you, you could stare through her eyes into her soul. He was frozen, his fear of what she'd done mastered by his stronger desire to finally know. 

"After Robin died, I went to live at her house. But I never told you the real reason why. At first, I'd go to look after Matthew when Kim was gone. And I just fell in love with him. I couldn't help it, that little baby was all I had left of her. So I'd go more often, try to bring or make food because Kim had no idea what he was doing, of course, but he also- wasn't taking it very well. Worse than I'd thought or anybody had said. He wouldn't eat, wouldn't do anything. There was an armchair that he'd sit in, just staring off into space. All the picture frames in the house were set face down. Of course, I didn't begrudge him his grief. I understood at least in part what he was feeling: I mean Robin was practically my sister. 

"But what worried me most was Matthew. Sometimes I'd bring him downstairs, and Kim just refused to look at him. Matthew's little arms would reach out for him, and it broke my heart. So I decided to stay, to marry Kim even, if that's what it took to become Matthew's mother, because he didn't have anyone except for me. 

"Then I found out about Sara. I knew in my heart she was yours and despite what you think of me, I'd never give her to someone else. But then I was stuck. With Kim the way he was, Matthew needed me. And I knew that if I left Kim he'd never let me see Matthew again. I didn't have a choice. I was in no position to fight for custody. I did call you, but I don't blame you for not answering. But when you didn't, I knew I had to do this on my own. So I waited. And then I took him."

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Stevie stood at the window, watching until his car had disappeared around the corner. Turning quickly, she ran to the closet, dragging the already packed bags out onto the carpet. She grabbed a few of his favorite toys, tucking them over the folded clothes before zipping them shut. Racing down the steps, she dropped them beside the front door. Her own things were already tucked in the trunk. Returning up the stairs, she patted her pockets, making sure she had the car keys before entering the nursery. She'd have to drive, but that was alright. She hadn't completely forgotten how. 

Stevie's heart beat furiously as she leaned over the bassinet, comforted by Robin's eyes as they peeked back at her. Reaching for his softest blanket, she swaddled the baby before lifting him into her arms. She descended the staircase slowly, cooing softly to the baby in her arms. Stepping down into the foyer, she froze, muscles tensing at the sight of the front door. It was already open. Before she had the chance to turn around, a strong hand gripped her arm from behind.

"And where do you think you're going with my son?"

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Lindsey didn't remember when exactly she had climbed onto the lounge beside him, but he gripped her tighter as she continued. 

"-he'd forgotten something, some papers maybe. I can't even remember where he was headed. But he left the house so rarely that I saw an opportunity and took it. He was furious. He gripped me so tightly, he left bruises along my arm. At first, I tried to convince him it was a doctor's appointment that he'd forgotten. But the lies just made him angrier. His words were vicious and hateful. He wasn't himself. He backed me away from the door, threatening me. There was something in his eyes that- made me honestly think he might kill me. 

"I set Matthew down on the sofa, and he started crying. As much as it broke my heart not to go to him, I knew it was over. After this, I was never going to be able to see him again no matter what, and I was pregnant. Even if I survived whatever Kim was planning to do to me for trying to steal his son, that didn't mean Sara would be so lucky. Maybe he was only going to call the authorities, I don't know, but I wasn't about to take the chance. His head turned, distracted by the baby's crying, and I ran. I sprinted out the open door to the car. My hand was shaking so badly, the panic had me near tears just trying to fit the key into the ignition. Once the engine was going, I started driving, and I didn't stop, refused to even stop for gas until I had crossed into Arizona. I finally got to my parents' house at dusk and fell into my mother's arms as soon as she opened the door. 

"They couldn't believe what I'd done, but I begged them to help me. The house, everything was ready. I'd planned to just disappear with him, but I was afraid that wouldn't be enough anymore. My fear must have scared them too. And with what I'd tried to do, I think they thought I was crazy. Maybe I was. But they still wanted to protect me, like they always had. 

"So, that night, I died. I was wrapped up on the sofa with my mother when Daddy came back into the room. He told us he'd just gotten off the phone with you. Then he looked right into my eyes and told me I had no idea what I'd just done." 

Her voice was desperate, pleading.

"I thought an overdose was believable enough, that he'd assume the grief and guilt had gotten to me. I told you I tried to kill us, me and Sara both, but I never could have done that to our baby. If you'd disappeared too, it would have looked too suspicious. Don't you see, I couldn't think of you. Not then. But I never didn't love you. And I never would have replaced you. What you heard, between my mother and I, I was only asking about Matthew. Maybe what I did was worse than what you thought. But at least it's the truth." 

With that, she finally quieted, her story finished as she burrowed more deeply against his chest.