Without You

11. Baby Girl

Lindsey leaned back against the chair, just needing a moment to get his head together. This was all just too much. While he had secretly hoped she might be alive somehow, the reality was more distasteful. She had chosen this, chosen to conceal herself and her pregnancy. He had at least been hoping for a less incriminating explanation. When he heard the water running upstairs, he stood, fully intending to walk out the door. In his sudden movement, he hit his head on the edge of the mantle behind him. Jerking at the unexpected impact, he turned, palm rubbing against his scalp.

Sara.

Picture frames cover the surface of the mantle, and most of them are of his little girl. Picking up the one that originally caught his attention, he smoothed his fingers over the silver frame, embossed with small turquoise stones. She looked younger but not by much, maybe two. Dark curls framing her face, she stared up at the camera, eyes bright and inquisitive. Clasped in her small fist was a clump of small blue flowers as she sat in the grass, presumably in their yard. Setting down the frame, he raptly observed the rest of the images. So small crawling across the carpet, even smaller sleeping in Stevie's arms, sitting in Jess's lap with Barbara looking on, smiling wide on her most recent birthday. There were two others—one of Stevie in Aaron's lap, what he knew to be one of her most treasured photographs, and the other of him, Stevie and Robin. He recognized the image, could recall her yelling at him to look at the camera. It was one of the last times the three of them had been all together as, very soon after the photo was taken, Robin had received her diagnosis. While in another context he might have been pleased, he didn't feel particularly honored to have been relegated to a memory on the mantle when he should have been an active part of their lives. Stevie and their daughter. While he was beyond angry, he'd rather resent a living woman than adore a dead one. He'd be a fool to leave. What was waiting for him in the real world? The people working with him on fund and projects were more than capable of taking care of things themselves. Between that and a quiet life with Stevie and their children, the choice was obvious. How many times had he secretly wished that Mick Fleetwood had never asked them to join his fucking rock band, that they'd been forced to return home and lived out their days together in domestic anonymity. Yes, what she had done was wrong. But was he supposed to hold it against her for the rest of his miserable life? Looking back at the photographs of Sara, he felt his burning resentment fade into a deep sadness. He had already missed so much of her life, so many firsts and other treasured memories of parenthood, could he really miss more by choice? He already knew the answer. Making his way towards the door he had been so ready to walk out of just moments ago, he instead slipped off his shoes next to the mat in front of it and hung his jacket over a hook on the adjacent wall. Turning back towards the kitchen, he began rolling up his sleeves. Scouring the various cabinets, he finally managed to find a metal bowl, measuring cups, and a box of pancake mix. Opening the fridge to retrieve some milk and eggs, he noticed a package of blueberries. Blueberry pancakes were always Steph's favorite. He had spent many a lazy Sunday leaning against the counter, content to just watch her pour the meager amount of batter into the pan in small circles. He set the package on the counter, not adding them quite yet in case Sara preferred hers without them.

Thoroughly whisking the mixture, he found a pan and began heating it over the stove while he searched for the final ingredient.

"Is that for pancakes?" He jerked his head from behind the cupboard, looking down to find a freshly bathed Sara pulling at his pant leg. Hair wet from the bath but already beginning to curl, she was now dressed in a small denim dress embroidered with flowers and what appeared to be bluebirds.

"Yeah. Do you like pancakes?"

Nodding her head vigorously, she melted his heart with her smile.