The Second Chapter

Remember- June 9, 2019

I have moments of doubt. When everything I know about our relationship and you becomes a question of what I knew. As if the past tense of that verb suddenly signifies that some part of me is letting go. But then I look at our old pictures together, old screenshots of messages you used to send and I remember that there is not a single part of you or this relationship that isn't worth fighting for.

Once you told me,

"Jess, you're on the other side of the planet, a completely different time zone, and I am completely infatuated by you. All day long I'm checking my watch and wondering what you're doing. I've never felt this way, ever, period. You are undeniably the best thing that has ever happened to me Jess. It baffles me that it's this good, even when we get dealt a shit hand, we still manage to make the most of what we have. I wholeheartedly love you Jessica."

I don't remember what month it was (although, I can tell you it was a Saturday) but does the timing of it really matter? At one point in our relationship, you believed in these words with an unwavering conviction. At one point, I was your whole world, the light behind your darkness, and you were mine.

And for me now, in this moment, you still are.

You are a quiet place when my head is overrun with thoughts and voices, you're the dose of sunlight I need on a stormy day, you're a constant in an ever-changing world. You have been since the first day.

What you mean to me has not changed. If you were to look back on the long messages I used to send, like I am now, you would find that every word I wrote still stands true. You are my soulmate, my better half, but ALWAYS most importantly, my best friend. You mean the world to me and truth be told, my life without you in it? It isn't a life worth living at all. I could heal, if I must, but I will never move on, and I don't want to.

So I'm asking you, please, I know the feelings you had last year aren't as strong as they once were. And I know that you've sworn there's nothing you can give me. But even the littlest parts of you mean everything to me. So reread the old texts. Look at me from across the dining hall. Watch me smile and laugh the same smile and laugh I had last year. Take a trip to the rifle range and stand in the places we once stood together. Remember the words you used to whisper to me in the dark while we health hands or kissed in secret corners. I'll ask nothing more than that- for you to remember.

Remember what it felt like to constantly check you watch and wonder what I was doing.

Remember the nerves and sweaty palms that first time I rounded that corner in the Manchester airport.

Remember the fun we have had flirting across friend circle and then making out on those same benches hours later.

Remember our long talks in the rain, interrupted only by racoons and Adam Kohler.

Remember me.

Remember why we started.

Remember why we fought.

And remember why we stayed.

Because I have not changed. The Jess you met last year is not gone- she's here, just a new and improved version. Yes, I've had my ups and downs in getting here, riddled with moments I am not proud of, but I wouldn't change a thing if I could. Because every strength and flaw I used to have is still intact, just enhanced and bettered from the experiences I've had. But the love in my heart? The witty jokes I've stored up in my mind for you since the day you left? My lips that you so loved to kiss? My eyes that you used to say you could get lost in? My body that you believed to be your dream made manifest? Me? It's all still here. Still intact. And I know people want what they want and sometimes what they want isn't what's best for them or what another person wants for them, but I also know that as much as I'm being told to let go of you and this and move on, I can't. I can't let go of you. Not yet. Because I remember.

So please, try to remember too.