The Second Chapter

Changes- June 12, 2019

There's a spot in my chest, so specific I could point to it if you asked, where the pain and the grief and the absence of loosing you lives. It's taken root in the empty space where my heart once was, and branched out through every inch of my body, so that when the ache sets in, it is not only in my chest, but in my throat and my head, my lunch and my fingertips. I don't want to move from how unbearable it is- the desperation I feel from trying to suck in a new breath leaves me bed ridden alone.

I want you here.

I miss you so much.

I miss your warmth. I miss tangling my fingers in your soft curls. I miss the feel of your beard on my lips when I pressed them against your cheek.

I miss your laugh and your smile.

I miss the smile only I got to see, the one full of love and adoration you used to get just before you'd pull me to your chest and rest your cheek on my head.

I miss when you trusted me enough to break down in front of me- lay your head on my shoulder and let me hold you until things felt a little better.

I miss all of you.

I wish you missed me too.

I wish you missed this and us. I wish you missed any part of me- just enough to stop yourself from wanting time apart. Just enough that you'd come back to me, in any capacity. I wish I could go back in time and keep you from ever walking away. I'm trying so hard to understand, every second and minute that passes by I try to convince myself that I will make it through this. I constantly tell myself that I have to understand and respect your decision. But it fucking kills. And I fucking miss you.

I listened to the songs on our playlist today and the ache magnified ten-fold. "Changes" came on and I was immediately back in your room, pressed against you chest, dancing around as we both hummed and sand the melody as it played as the theme song for "Big Mouth", sweet smiles and laughter filling the space around us.

When the memory was over, I returned to this body- the body in the present that is absent of you. And I wanted to sob like the first day all over again. But my eyes were dry as I climbed back into my bed, snuggled under my covers and pretended that the weight I felt from them was you.

I curled in on myself, hoping to lessen the ache, but it's still there, a constant throbbing in my chest.

You're going through changes. But this is a love that deserves to survive.

Come back to me.

Please, B.

Please.