The Second Chapter

Jess Hairs- June 11, 2019

Tonight, as I stood in my room, putting my hair up into a pony tail, I let my mind wander. And I began thinking about how I wished I had any other hair tie than the rubber one I was using- they're always a pain to take out. Like a second instinct, thoughts flew through my mind in a quick succession. First, on a gut instinct because I am still so unused to the idea of not being with you, I thought, "I bet there's a ton of hair ties lying around in B's room I could've chosen from. I always have so many over there, on his desk, on his floor, by the TV. So many options." And just as that thought went, another came, a more somber one as I began wondering how many Jess hairs you'll find upon arriving home again. Then I remembered the last time I visited, you said your parents cleaned your room for you while you dropped me off at the airport as a kind gesture. Which had me wondering: if they cleaned before, would they clean again?

I had anticipated you going home to the notes I wrote for you months ago still taped to your walls, the wooden string art I made still handing from your closet doors, our photo booth photo still stuck to your mirror and Jess hairs floating all around. The thought of you going back home thinking you were leaving me behind, only to be met with more reminders of me and what we had was comforting- I think of you all the time, but you might not do the same. At least this way I'd cross your mind at least once before you completely disposed of me in your mind.

But if your parents cleaned before, they'd have one hell of a reason to clean now. I'm sure they'd do it still thinking they were helping, but in doing so, they'd be effectively wiping me away from existence. They'd throw out every hair tie I left behind, vacuum up every piece of hair and take down every love letter I left for you in remembrance of me and my love for you. The moments tangling in your sheets, sweaty bodies aligning perfectly, the nights wrapped up in one another, movie forgotten, the snuggles and comments as we binge watched Game of Thrones into the early morning, the love and reassurance seen in the simplest look into my eyes as I sat curled on your lap all forgotten. Thrown away or hidden for another time.

But maybe...maybe you asked them to do it. I had originally assumed that they would've taken it upon themselves to wipe me away at the news of our break up as a kind gesture for you, but what if you've already thought that far ahead and asked them to do it for you? What will happen to the coupon book and cards and presents I spent so many hours making for you? What will happen to the OSU hoodie I brought for Christmas? Will they be shoved into a dark corner of you closet, left behind as you pack for Leeds? Or will you carry them with you secretly, as I do with all of the things you've given me?

I don't know.

There are so many aspects of this break up that I don't know. That I don't understand. So many questions left unanswered.

But one thing stands true: I do hope you find a Jess hair. And whether it's the first day you get home or some random day in Leeds months from now as you rush to put on a hoodie, I hope you find that one small piece of me. A reminder that I'm still here. And I was there, too. And we were real once. And in love. I hope that little hair makes you smile, even if it's a bittersweet smile, as you remember me. I hope you remember the jokes we used to make about them and all the nights you used to brush my hair for me.

Whether you throw it away permanently in the trash or toss it to the ground for another encounter another day, I just hope you remember me.

Fondly, lovingly. And miss me.

I hope you remember me the way I remember you.