The Second Chapter

Nothing- June 9, 2019

I have no words. For the first time in my life, I am truly and honestly at a loss for words. I'm searching for anything to describe this feeling, but I'm empty. There's nothing in me but a black void. My mind and eyelids are so heavy I can hardly bear to hold them up or open. Every movement feels like a struggle. I tell myself, "one shoe, good job" and "lift arm, scrub. Lower arm. Lift foot, scrub. Lower foot. Rinse." The most basic commands, as if I'm operating on autopilot.

Which, truthfully, I think I am.

I am both here and I'm not. My mind's floating away on a distant cloud, carrying my thoughts and fears and tears with it. Taking everything with it, quite frankly. Because I feel nothing. No passion. No drive. No rage. Just...hollow. Like you took a pumpkin carving knife to my insides, scooped out my guts and then just left a shell in your wake.

Of everything I do not feel, the one thing I do feel is nauseous. I haven't been able to eat much, let alone manage a full meal, in 2 full weeks, as of today. I'm lucky if I manage an orange sometimes, and when I do, it feels like an accomplishment. Although I'm even more lucky if I can hold it down. Usually, I can't. So my theme of unluckiness sticks.

I wish for nothing, absolutely nothing. Nothingness would mean that this pain that's deeply rooted would not exist. Nothingness means no knowledge of you and her, the girl you talked so much shit about this past year, having hooked up. Nothingness beckons nothing. Pure, blissful ignorance.

I want that. And wouldn't you know, speak of Nothing and he shall appear.

He reaches his hand out to me. I look deeply and find... well, I find nothing. Which seems pleasing, so I take Nothing's hand and he lets me fall for him.

But I want to fall deeper into nothing than I have now. Because this isn't deep enough.

At this depth, I still want to vomit every time I picture her skin pressed to yours.

At this depth, I cry and curl in on myself every time I imagine you using the same delicious tricks you once used on me, on her.

At this depth, I can still hear your voice through the murky water, promising me that you wouldn't get with anyone else this summer. Swearing that you could never do that to me.

But you did.

Yet another promise you've broken.

So I fall deeper into Nothing, and it's nice. Nothingness is nice. It's empty. It's thoughtless. It's emotionless. It's peaceful.

Nothing just is.

I quite like Nothing.

I like it much more than I like imaging you with her.

I favor it over hearing your words in my head time and time again, swearing you love me and that you wanted this. Promising that you were doing this only because you needed time alone, to be independent and free.

Nothing is nice.

He holds true to his promise of sweet relief and protects me from the hurt. So, I think I might stay with Nothing a while. If anything, because it'll be a more loyal and honest companion than you were in the end.

~

And even here in Nothing, I still find a phantom outline of you. Even hiding in Nothing's darkest depths, the pain finds me. It makes slow work of me, tearing me apart millimeter by millimeter. A slow, agonizing torture that knows no breaks, not interludes, no interruptions. Just constant, unending pain.

Why did you do this?

Why are you torturing me this way?

Nothing tries to pull me back as I ask these questions, but I must.

How does one love another and still hurt them the way you're hurting me? What kind of person says they want to spend the rest of their life with you, gives you a ring promising just that, and then gets with another girl mere weeks later? Was it worth it? Do you feel fulfilled? Satisfied?

Are you finding yourself?

What was real? What is real now? My reality is skewed. And before I can spiral too far, Nothing snags my hand and pulls me deep again. The questions and the confusion linger deep in my soul, but Nothing soothes me with a numbness I've never known before.

It feels good to feel nothing for once.

And again, I find myself saying: I think I might stay here with Nothing a while.