The Second Chapter

October- June 12, 2019

I have to thank you; as terrible as this breakup has been, the one benefit has been that I can write again. I can't stop, actually. And it feels fucking good. Everyday my fingers itch for a pen and paper, but I often find myself on my laptop instead because my thoughts come too quickly for any journal entry. But today, instead of immediately writing, I decided to sit down and read what I'd written previously about you, us, when things were good and I didn't question every word that fell out of your mouth.

I have a few entries, to say the least. The first I opened up to was thick and heavy, and taped to it were three things: the daisy Maddy gave me at the staff cookout last year, the napkin note you gave me the reads, "I know you have had a rough week, but make sure everyone gets to see that beautiful smile you have (: x" and the fortune you gave me from your fortune cookie predicting that "the love of your life will appear in front of you unexpectedly!". I look at them fondly, remembering those memories as clearly as the days they happened. The smiles on your face when you handed them to me. I turn the page as I feel the shotty, messy stitches holding my heart together start to fall apart.

The next page is an entry from September. I wrote about missing you- that having you live across the ocean felt like having my heart ripped out daily. How naïve I was. But one thing I wrote still stands true: "As comforting as it is that, despite an ocean, we still found each other, I still can't help but hurt. Because I know he exists. And there's nothing I can do to see him as much as I want to. And the pain of being separated from the person you love most in the world is an infinitely worse feeling than wondering if he exists at all".

It's true.

Having had you and having known you hurts infinitely worse than wondering on lonely nights if I would ever find you. Because now I know you, I know how desperately I want you, and I have to live with the fact that you do not feel the same.

But the one entry that struck me the most was from October 3 and is titled "Reasons I am in love with B". I wrote 108 reasons. And that was only 3 months into our relationship. I imagine now, after nearly a full year of loving you, if I were to sit down and write this list again it would grow enormously in size. Regardless, I wanted to share some of the list with you.

1. The little curls on top of his head are so fucking cute.

2. His eyes are breathtaking

3. How he makes me laugh, even when I don't want to or think I can.

4. How accepting he is of my anxiety and my family problems.

5. How reassuring he is. Every time I think I can't do something he reminds me all over again that I can.

6. How other-selfed he is.

7. How he makes me feel beautiful and gorgeous and sexy

8. How thoughtful he is. From writing me little napkin notes to sending me dog videos when I'm sad.

9. How accepting and non-judgmental he is of other people's failures.

10. His smile

11. His laugh

12. His accent

13. How his biceps flex when he's hovering above me.

14. How his tongue feels on me. Anywhere on me.

15. How perfect of a spoon he is.

16. How spontaneous he is when it comes to pulling me aside to randomly make-out

17. I love his mind. His thoughts. His dreams.

18. How excited he is to marry me.

19. Hearing more and more about training week from his perspective.

20. How he held me the night I told him I was a virgin

21. How open and honest he was with me about his family's past.

22. How good he looks playing soccer.

23. How fucking good he smells. Seriously.

24. How perfectly his hand fits in mine.

25. How he's my anchor. My sanity.

26. How he never leaves. Or makes me feel like he'll ever abandon me.

27. How honest he is about his feelings.

28. How nervous and innocent he sounded when he told me he loves me.

29. The look in his eyes when he sat on the bridge with me and told me he was all in.

30. How it feels to be hugged by him while he's laughing at something ridiculous I've done or said.

31. How he dances me around in front of dozens of people to help me lighten up.

32. How he looked that first night in the fort.

33. How unwavering his love for me is.

34. How good it feels to touch him, in any way.

35. How respectful he is.

36. How fucking funny he is.

37. How he says "right"

38. Hearing him say "baby" and call me baby as well

39. The looks he gives me when I wink at him.

40. How peaceful and sweet he looks when he's asleep.

41. His morning wood (all heart eyes)

42. How his lips feel pressed against mine

43. How much of a gentlemen he is.

44. How he makes my heart ache with love for him.

45. How thinking about him takes my breathe away.

46. How missing him- and thinking about him- makes me want to cry.

47. How he is the literal love of my life.

48. How he is the other half of my soul. How every jagged, ugly edge and smooth pristine corner matches perfectly with mine. How we are made of the same atoms, but were split apart.

49. How he enjoys the concept of having found me as much as I enjoy the concept of having found him.

50. Him. Just being him. I love him with my entire being. Heart, soul, mind, body, spirit, fingers and toes. Sometimes the enormity of it overwhelms me. Runs rampant in my mind. But he's always there. In my thoughts, guiding my actions. I cannot deny how head over heels in love with him I am. This love is never ending. And I am so thankful to have him. And so blessed to have been chosen to love him for the rest of our lives.

Despite these past weeks, despite everything you said in the car, despite the absence of you, despite the unending, torturous pain, this list still stands true. I love everything about you. It reminds me of a time when I was happy and I am thankful for all of the sweet moments we've shared together- it's taught me how to love and be loved. And as much as I am trying to come to terms with this and your decision, I still love these things about you and so many more that went unlisted.

Despite everything, I still love you. I will always love you. I am coming to terms with this, but that is one thing that will never change.