Atonement

Chapter 9

It had been two weeks since the day Kakashi met Anko and Orochimaru at the training ground. Since then the seven genins had started a daily routine where they would train with their senseis in the morning and train together in the afternoon. During that time, Anko had become a good friend to the other genin, except for Rin. The brunette always sneered at her and tried to make her look pathetic. Nonetheless, Kakashi had quickly become close to Anko, perhaps even closer than to his other friends. It might have been because whenever he looked at one of his old friends he only saw a dead person whereas with Anko he could feel something else than constant pain and anxiety. Whatever it was that let him breath easier whenever the younger girl was around, he was grateful for it and consciously sought out her presence.

Even though Kakashi's friends grew stronger day by day, not everything was good.

When he had gone back after he had fled his home, his father hadn't tried to talk with him about his disappearance. Although Kakashi was grateful for it, because he had honestly no clue how to explain why he had fled through the bathroom window, it only caused him to be more anxious. His father was an amazing shinobi and there was no way he would just accept Kakashi's weird behaviour without being at least a bit wary. It went against everything that made a shinobi, like looking underneath the underneath. 

Another thing or to be more accurate another person who strained Kakashi's nerves was Orochimaru. Since the Sannin had seen the training plans he had made for his friends, he was always lurking around, carrying a notebook with him, and watching the time traveller closely. It drove the silver-haired boy crazy! Wherever he went the Snake Sannin would be there too,  so he had to watch his actions even more. It wasn't such a big deal if he slipped up or had a small flashback when he was with the other genins, they were children after all and would dismiss it quickly if he stared into space, but Orochimaru and his father would easily see the dark emotions he could hardly hide when he had a flashback and span a crazy theory out of it. And honestly, the last thing Kakashi needed was someone else knowing about his time travelling. 

And then there were his nightmares. No matter what he did the memories of the war would always appear in his dreams. Kakashi would wake up drenched in sweat, trembling  in fear with bloodshot eyes and a silent scream on his lips. Hence he refrained from falling asleep. It wasn't that much of a problem to him since he could only train in the night anyway thanks to Orochimaru  always being around. But lacking sleep was dangerous for a shinobi and the time traveller knew that far too well. During the war he had seen what happened to the shinobis that were haunted by the terrors too. The senses of those men, women, and often times even children had gone into overdrive and the smallest sound would cause a deathly reaction. Although they were beasts while fighting, and Kami knows that the world had needed their strength to survive for how long they did, these people were nothing more than broken souls. They fought in a different world, not able to differentiate between friend and foe, and at some point, their bodies just broke down. To prolong the effects of his insomnia  Kakashi had started to steal soldier pills from the Inuzuka compound and was basically living from them. He knew the effects they would have on his young body but he couldn't stop. It was like a drug and it was slowly killing him. 

He was alone in this world.

Kakashi knew how to deal with the loss of loved ones but this time he didn't have Minato or his friends to help him stay strong. He often felt lifeless and exhausted as if some higher up being enjoyed his suffering. 

Today was one of the days where Kakashi felt tired. A tiredness that couldn't be solved with sleep. The time traveller was tired of his new life, he felt caged. He knew his responsibilities to this world, he knew what he had to do but sometimes ... sometimes he wondered if he could do it or if it was smarter to ... maybe ... just give up and let someone else handle this world. After all, Kakashi was only human too. But then he thought of what the knowledge of the future would do to the other person and he couldn't do it anymore. So he forced himself through those two weeks, keeping up a happy facade and only letting his mask slide in the middle of the night when he was sure he was alone.