Challenging a Cold Heart

Chapter 12: Father and me

Vincent's POV

As usual, I woke up to the guard nudging my shoulder roughly. I looked blearily up at the guard who seems to really despise me.

"Time to wake up. Now go and get showered to start work." He ordered. I yawned and took my sweet time to get out of the house. It was still drizzling outside and was very cold. Ignoring it, I started walking towards my bathroom. As I reached the pathway that had three cross roads I hesitated just a bit before taking the one that led to the big tree where I found Luc last night. It almost seemed like an eternity ago because of the amount of drama that had happened over the last twenty four hours. Stealthily, I walked closer to the tree where I found Luc the last time. Unfortunately, Luc was not there.

I stopped myself at that thought. What did I mean unfortunately? Was I hoping for him to really be there and have a repeat of what happened the last time? I sighed at that. I probably was hoping for that. I did want to speak to him badly. However, I had no idea what I should say to him when we meet. Last night was crazy. Luc had deliberately taken me to that place so that I could meet his grandfather and Dr. Linda and the meeting just turned out to be a disaster. I didn't know how I could start to correct the misconceptions he had about me. He didn't trust me at all and that automatically made me appear as a liar to him no matter what I said.

Look at how he reacted when his grandfather told him that I donated the kidney to him. He simply brushed it off as a lie without even a second's hesitation. And he did that even when the words had come out of his grandfather's mouth. So would he even believe a word I say? I thought in despair. Nevertheless, I need to know what is going on in his life. If he had intermittent explosive disorder, he should rage out with almost no provocation. I have seen him rage out but it is almost always caused by something. But when he is angry and starts getting violent, he doesn't know how to control himself. I've known that about him since he was a teenager. How worse had it got now? He seemed a lot more controlled than when he was a teenager. His anger now is more targeted but he is definitely more violent and macabre.

Why was I so bothered by it? Didn't I intend to leave him when he calms down and accepts my apology? I paused at that thought. Was that really what I intended? I thought to myself as I walked back towards my bathroom. I've always known I had no future with both Luc and Max. I cannot get married until Max gets old enough to understand what I was. He is too young now and wouldn't understand if I suddenly get married to a man. I don't know what Max thinks of these things. Max is more open minded than most children because I have made sure that he doesn't hate anyone for being different from the norm. But what would he do when his own father turns out to be the different one?

Most people don't seem to be that bothered about what their children think when they are in my shoes. But I don't want my son to worry about me. A child's thoughts should always be on happy things and should never wander to worrying about the behavior of the adults responsible for them. No matter how small I think it could be, a child will get affected a lot by the people their parents chose as their spouse. I cannot just dismiss that.

But yet, Luc was the only man I've ever dreamt of and now through a farce of a marriage we were together. I had a chance to continue to be his wife. I had a chance to be a part of his life and live the dreams that I dared to dream so secretly. I was such a coward though and I still couldn't brave out of the coward shell I donned. I was scared of Luc finding out how weird I was which begs the question, do I even like myself? I dream of Luc but I don't even dare to dream him doing anything beyond kissing me and hugging me.

Though the hidden longings within me peaks out in dreams, I always wake up gasping when Luc tries to go beyond kissing or hugging even in dreams. I was scared of him finding out who I was and saying "Disgusting" to me. I rubbed my eyes tiredly. Doesn't all my problems with both Luc and my son centre back to me and my cowardly self that cannot really accept myself? I wondered. How can I make someone else love me when I don't love myself?