Thoughts With Unicorn Dusts

COMING OUT IS NEVER EASY

True to other people’s words, hindi madali kapag meron kang itinatago. Para bang hindi ka kompleto. Iyong tipong lagi kang may pasan sa iyong mga balikat. May mga pagkakataong gusto mong sabihin ang nasa loob mo pero natatakot ka sa magiging reaksyon nila. Hindi naman natin hawak ang isip ng iba. Hindi pwedeng ipilit ang gusto natin. At lalong hindi pwedeng ipilit ang sarili mong paniniwala sa paniniwala ng iba.

I’ve been trying to figure out myself for the last twenty-two years. It took me twenty-one years to accept who I am, and another year to tell my family. However, I’m still not on the point where I can freely tell the world who I am.

This is me partially coming out. I’m coming out to whoever is reading this right now. I may be hiding behind a pen name, but I can assure you I am a real person.

Let me start by saying I am attracted to both men and women. If you are going to categorize me in the gender spectrum, I may fall on the Bisexual Category. Mas madali nga sigurong maintindihan kung sasabihin ko na lang na lesbian ako. However, I will be lying if I tell you that. The concept of bisexuality for me is not about experimentation or being on the safe side na kapag naisipan ko na makipag-relasyon sa lalaki pwede ko na lang sabihin na I’ve been through a phase and now I’m straight as a ruler. Or kapag nakipagrelasyon ako sa babae, sasabihin ko na lang, na I’m in denial back then, and I am a lesbian. It may confuse you, so let me explain further. It was never easy for me to accept this. High school and college, I’ve tried so hard to not think about it. Iniligay ko ang mga tanong sa kasuluk-sulukang bahagi ng utak ko thinking that it will go away kapag hindi ko iniiisip. Noong mga panahon na iyon, natatakot akong maghanap ng kasagutan kasi akala ko hindi ako normal. At ayoko na marinig ang mga masasakit na sasabihin ng ibang tao. When I came to the point na I found enough courage to rediscover myself, I did not ask anyone. Instead, I turned to research. Ako yung tipo ng tao na may sariling diskarte, as much as possible I want to know the answer my own way. I watched coming-out-stories in Youtube, searched the meaning of lesbianism, homosexuality and bisexuality in Google, and read blogs about people who experienced the same situation as me. After my research, it took me months before I finally accepted that I’m bi. There were only three people, who knew what I’ve been going through at that time, and one of them accidentally found out and I had no choice but to tell her.

 Over the years, there were several people, and I mean girls, that were very dear to me. I honestly don’t know if that was me being an overprotective friend or I really developed feelings for them. On the other hand, there were also guys that I admired. And like any other girls, I fantasized that I will be noticed by my crush. So you see, it was never easy for me. Parang hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar. Kahit ako, nagagalit sa sarili ko noon kasi I can’t make up my mind. Ano ba talaga ako? Mahirap tanggapin sa sarili na may nararamdaman ka towards the same sex, cause someone’s sexual preference is a very sensitive topic. How much more if hindi mo malaman kung ano ba talaga ang gusto mo. Hindi mo alam kung confuse ka lang or in denial. MAHIRAP. Back then, I never bothered to tell my parents or even friends dahil ang paniniwala ko, bakit ko sasabihin ang isang bagay na hindi naman ako sigurado. Tama nang ako na lang ang mag-isip ng sarili kong problema kesa abalahin pa sila sa isang bagay na kahit ako eh hindi pa handang tanggapin sa sarili ko.

You might ask kung paano ko nasabi na bi ako. I haven’t had any relationship with a girl and I only had one boyfriend. You don’t really have to be in a relationship with anyone para masabi mo ang gender preference mo. Sa taong straight, paano mo nasabi na straight ka kung hindi ka pa napapasok sa relasyon? And like what I have stated before, there were girls na I had an attraction with way back then. I haven’t told them of course, maybe someday. I admire both genders. I admire their physical looks. I admire their personality in general. However, if we are talking about someone who I would like to have a relationship with, meron din naman akong pamantayan katulad ng ibang tao. Eh saan papasok ang bisexuality doon? Iyon ay kapag dumating yung panahon na makita ko ang hinahanap ko sa isang babae. Maybe what I am trying to say is I am not closing my doors to only one gender. If by any chance, the qualities that I am looking for falls into a girl, then I am going to give it a try. Cause who am I to deny love? It’s like a once in a lifetime chance to find someone who you will give your heart to and give theirs in return. And for me, someone’s sexuality should not hinder those possibilities. But it doesn’t mean na sinabi ko na bi ako eh kung kani-kanino nang babae at lalaki ako makikipagkilala at papatol. Bisexuality and Promiscuity are two different things. For now, I get girl and guy crushes.