A Bond That Can't Be Broken

Barely Breathing

I thought it would be easier. I can't believe I thought it would be easier to know that my first love died, I died. Everyone risked their lives for me. I took people from their families. The torment of my everyday life.

I just decide to try and carry on with life. Go back to normal, be myself. It's easier said than done. I walk into my school with all the torturing memories visible, playing out as if it were only yesterday. Bombs, messages and saving my brother's butt. It is torture to see it replay. To remember I didn't only lose myself, but that car crash destroyed everything. My innocence, my conscience, my life, my family, other people's family. If only I died than none of this would've happened.

The torture is eating me up inside. I just plaster a fake but convincing smile on my face. Everyone heard that I'm back to normal, whatever that is. I walk to my classes, make it through lunch with the memories of a now dead John and Tobias. Everything, every single molecule of air, every single strand of grass, every single detail brought some memory, some source of pain to life in my burning heart. It is as if my heart has been sent to hell to be punished, it's aching with guilt.

The fire inside my heart is spreading like a wildfire, devouring every inch of sanity and innocence that's left. Spreading its destruction throughout my body, the veins like gasoline just waiting so it can eat up what's left of me. My life. It's like everything else in life. I'm trying to carry on but everything is a reminder of what happened to me.

The hate. How can someone hate you so much when they don't even know you? I ask myself this every time a memory resurfaces. Tobias, I remember him everyday. My first love, the first time I ever loved someone in that way. The first time I ever felt that someone didn't judge me but loved me for who I am. Now, now he's gone because of me. I was and am too selfish to die so everyone else can live, I'm to blame.

During this memory and guilt journey, I manage to zone out of an entire conversation and almost get hit by a bus. "Hannah, WTH! Are you ok?"my brother asks with concern. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine,"I say in a complete state of shock. I am reliving everything all the time. So while I go home that day, I am totally zoned out of the conversation that is taking place in the car. I don't realize we aren't going home until.... "Hannah, come on. Get out of the car we're going to see the doctor,"my foster Mum says seriously. I am so stunned and in utter confusion I can't comprehend what she's saying. "Come on! We can't stay here all day,"she says and takes action, she grabs me and pulls me along with her until we are inside.

Everyone starts to stare strangely at me and I return the favor. I'm so out of it. "I'm sorry but we need to see Dr. Blake immediately,"my foster mum announces. "Um...do you have an appointment ma'am?"the nurse asks politely. "No,"my foster Mum responds rudely and impatiently.

"He's available to see you immediately ma'am,"she says after a few minutes. "Hello ma'am, what's the matter?"he asks curtly. "Well she's been zoning out the whole day,"my foster mum says rather angrily. She doesn't even understand what I'm going through so.

"Hannah, talk to me please,"the doctor says kindly. "I don't want to talk with her here,"I say seriously, I have finally come to my senses. My foster mum walks out without any hesitation. My doctor just looks at me. "I see everything every day. Every single day I'm reminded of what I've done to deserve to be this person," I say with tears in my eyes. Thankfully he's a psychologist like a therapist.

"I'm sorry Hannah but I have to ask. Do they come as flashbacks? Like do you actually see it?"he asks kindly and patiently. "Yeah but it's like vivid images. They're just see-through, like when you are seeing something unfold in front of you but no one can see it, you know? It like shadows,"I say but I get frustrated since I can't explain. "Try to explain it better,"the doctor says. "I'm trying. It's like glass or crystal-like people. Like I'm seeing those people and all the people who are really there are cancelled out. But it's like ghosts of them but not really,"I say in conclusion.

"Ok, um...I'm pretty sure you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. You should actually have it because of what you've gone through,"he says kindly. I just nod. "I'll be prescribing some medication for you so that you can deal with it,"he says sincerely. I just nod, not even noticing my foster mum has walked in. She can see my tear-stained face. When I walk into those doors, the doors that lead to my house. I run to my peaceful abode, my resting place. Knock, knock.

"Come in, Tim,"I say with no emotion. I just look straight ahead when he comes in. "Tim, it's ok if you blame me for taking Tobias from you. If you blame me for your own almost untimely death,"I say sadly with silent tears making their way down my bruised and battered soul, trying to eliminate the uncontainable fire. "I don't Hannah. I seriously don't. Stop giving yourself undue credit,"he says seriously. "I need you to hate me Tim. I really do, I'll tell you any secret. Anything to just make you hate me!"I say, now, in complete sobs. "I could never hate you, everything you do makes me love you more and more. Because of who you are, you're my sister and I could never hate you,"he says quite confidently.

I know all too well how to make him hate me and it won't be a lie. It'll be the cold, hard truth. Another thing I've always felt guilty about my whole life.