A Bond That Can't Be Broken

Cold Hard Truth

My mind is arguing with me. Should I, shouldn't I. Should I tell him this or should I tell him something else. Should I tell him at all or shouldn't I.

My mind is having an inner storm. A storm that's raging my insides and taking my mind from the wildfire in my heart. Both storms fighting with each other, to be or not to be. I can't decide, my heart can't decide and neither can my mind. The storms are raging on, bringing destruction to only me, the one capable to stop it.

It's really confusing to explain that's why I come up with these metaphorical methods. This is the only way to explain the unexplainable. I feel like I am climbing a mountain through this journey but I am slipping and now I'm awaiting a fall. It's coming but I'm the one that put myself there, in this situation.

I don't blame anyone but myself and that horrible excuse of a man. I've drawn myself away from all my friends I have or had because I don't feel worthy and I don't sleep much anymore. I just hope that everyone has great success in the future unlike my possibilities that are clearly slipping away as the days go by. I'm broken and I've told my brother many times to prepare for the time when I die cause I know it's soon. If I don't take my own life, someone from my past will and it's a for sure thing. Nothing ever works out for me so I know the day is coming when I will lose my life and I prefer if I take it before anyone else does.

I don't know whether to break my brother's heart or not, I feel it will be for his own good. I'm not going to stick around when I'm done with school. I'm long gone when this is over. Only a year to go. I feel sad knowing that I'm leaving my brother behind but they'll be better off without me. They will be safer and that's all I ever want for anyone. I don't want anyone to die because of me and my dramatic life that never seems to stay normal for very long. The days just pass and as the sun rises or sets I can't help but wonder if I will be killed in my sleep at night or during the day. I can't sleep at night due to this and I can't concentrate during the day because I'm always wondering about my impending doom.

I routinely go and look at the sunset not knowing when it will be my last. I eat meals with the family, very unhappily, because I don't want to be by them. I'm a risk to their happiness and safety. Knock, knock. My heart pounds but calms a moment later when I hear the calm voice that always says the same words.

"Hey Hannah, I want to talk to you please,"my brother says sincerely. I just nod with my fake smile plastered constantly on my face. My cheeks are getting tired of this. "You don't have to pretend that you're happy. If you want to go home and be by other people we can make it happen,"he says like it's nothing. Like I want to be by other people. I want to be dead and never see the reminders of life every again sine I don't deserve to be alive when I've killed everyone else. "You just don't get it. I can't be by anyone, there's people out there that are looking for me,"I say seriously but with a hint of anger.

"Hannah! You're not happy here!"he says rather frustrated. "It has nothing to do with you,"I say trying to calm myself before I say something I'll regret. "What are you hiding Hannah?! Why can't you tell us so we can help you, like a normal family would,"he says the last part with utter sadness. "You...you just won't get it Tim. You won't!"I say as calmly as possible but with a hint of sadness. My fury raging hot beneath the ice coldness of me trying to calm myself. I'm trying to hose down the wildfire raging inside me that no one can see or understand as they look at my happiness overflowing onto my face and into my life.

"Listen Hannah! Just tell us what you want. I know I'm not a good enough brother anymore and all. Seriously though, can't you at least talk,"he says with his fury pouring out of him in buckets. My fury overtaking the coldness of calmness. "Listen here Timothy, I'm not in the mood for a lecture. I'm trying my hardest to stay alive and make sure no one else dies. Do you want me to list the amount of deaths I've seen? I was only fifteen, Timothy, and I had no one to come and save me. I had to do it all on my own,"I say seriously but I see him burning out, his spark gone replaced with sadness. The life inside him dying out as my fire blazes into his soul as my words pour out.

"Hannah I'm sorry...."he begins to say but I cut him off. "I don't want to hear it Timothy. I didn't plan on telling you this until I decided it is the right time for me to leave but you've seriously got some nerve,"I say because I'm far gone, I'm never going to come back to a calm and patient me, "I...I was there when your sister died. I'm the one who stood there and had to watch everything. When you told me I knew who you were talking about. Lily and me suffered together. We took turns. I had to see her suffer and then I had to go next so she wouldn't die. It was my punishment for protecting her. I...the man who took me thought it would be hilarious for his gang to take the money and kill the girl. I tried my hardest to save her. I nearly got killed myself. I was raped with her, stabbed, shot, everything. But then they decided to kill her and I was chained to a pole, forced to watch the torture of a little girl who was as innocent as me. I saw her tattered body lying on the floor. I felt extremely guilty for that family but I couldn't do anything, I'm useless as I'll always be. I killed Lily! I killed Tobias! I killed thousands of people and I didn't even know it. I killed my family! I destroyed thousands. You'll never understand what I've been through,"I conclude my long and unforgivable speech in a shower of sweat and tears as I watch my brother turn from being sad into being a person I never want to see again.

All Timothy says, "Well I sure don't understand that but I do know a thing or two about betrayal and you're on the top of the list. You're just above John."He then walks out of my bedroom. Our little conversation brought the attention of our parents, his parents. I think about living through this torture but I need to leave. Everyone hates me. I refuse to take the medicine that should help me but doesn't. I refuse to be loved ever again.

Yes, I chose this but I sure as hell didn't choose everything else that happened in my life. My life is unpredictable, unmentionable and unlivable. I want out but I want to live to see the downfall of those who hurt me. I chose to lose Timothy but because I can't bare to know that he'll be saddened by my death and that he will follow in my footsteps.