A Bond That Can't Be Broken

My Choice

Finally a chance to make my own choice. Decisions and choices I never got to make over the years, so this is my chance to make sure I make this choice and no one else.

Finally everything will be over, if I just leave. My families dead, my brother is furious with me, this is the perfect time to leave. To leave and not hurt anyone. I make sure it is clear by not associating with anyone. I make sure to distance myself so no one will miss me when I leave. The wildfire in my heart is no longer isolated, instead it has spread even through darkness. It's fiery eyes can't see but it travels and travels until it has overtaken my body, it makes sure that it breaks my heart. It then destroys every feeling, every nerve. I lose all emotion, all hope.

Eventually, it takes over my mind. My mind becomes brittle like a house in a blazing fire. The house being me but my mind being the fortress. The fortress is dying slowly, bringing destruction to all emotion. The very thought of sadness and hope is lost. I have nothing, I'll never have anything.

The wildfire is raging on, unstoppable, even through the fight of others. It seems some people care about me and have noticed my peril so they have reached out to comfort but it hasn't changed my mind. The time has come. The rude awakening that I need to leave. My mind is made up, the hearts of others might break but my wildfire rages on making me believe that isn't so. Even so, the wildfire has destroyed everything, every memory so I have no emotion, no feeling, no hate, no love, no sorrow, no empathy, no compassion. Nothing.

Some go through this breaking point in life, they can't explain it. They only hope to be understood and to be saved by someone. Anyone. Anyone to show them pity even, understand what they're going through. I'm one of those. The sad truth is, that usually someone never comes mostly because we've pushed everyone away. I suggest if you're going through the same thing, don't do that. You should be saved.

The sad truth is, even if you want to be saved, the wildfire is raging on. It's destructive powers, more powerful than the mind, than the heart, than any human. It's impossible to heal the unhealable. Sadly, this is true in my case. Though most can be healed and most can be forgotten but I can't forgive myself. I killed my foster sister, I killed everyone who ever died. I'm at fault for all the problems that have come upon my foster family and I've destroyed them including everything I ever wanted to attain.

Their is no hope. If there were heaven and hell, I would be going to hell to suffer for everything I've ever done. I don't believe in hell but I sure hope when everyone's alive again they don't hate me for being the reason that they died. I won't be there though but I sure hope it will be great for everyone else. When I die, I know I have no hope because I'm not a good person. I'm going to die and never be seen again.

My tears are falling as I'm thinking of these terrible things. What I've done. You'll never understand if you haven't been forced to kill innocent people or just kill at all. I honestly can't live with the guilt. Guilt. One word that sums up who I am. Guilt has many branches and everyone knows what they are. Guilt should be my second name or even my first. We have such a close relationship that we feel each other's pain, we mourn and cry everyday when we see what we have done. The things we have caused to all mankind.

I know I keep referring to the wildfire but that's what is feels like. An inner burning sensation of guilt that's eating me up inside, cutting my heart in two, tearing my brain apart. The reality is that my mind can't handle the wildfire, many die of wildfires but not many decide to take their lives because of wildfires.

My wildfire is of a different kind. It's guilt, that's all it is. Everyone should understand what it's like to be misunderstood, to be treated differently, to be ignored, to seem like you're crazy, but one day they'll realize it is real, it is reality. By then it'll be too late. Every time someone realized something it was too late for someone. Like take for example people of old, they made the atom bomb. When they used it that's when they realized how dangerous it was but it was too late for those who'd died by the use of it.

I walk the streets of our hometown and I see what I've missed. I decide to go to the city because I've never seen it. The wildfire blazing hotter as I see memorials of people's loved ones who died from things I have done. Thousands of peoples' families' blood on my hands, their deaths the result of the ones after. The tiresome feeling of the ache and pains of guilt resurfacing so they can reveal that I'm doing the right thing. The right thing for the world, the right thing for Tim, the right thing for everyone. If I'd done the right thing a long time ago none of this would've happened.

I climb up the stairs of the tallest building I can find in this city. I decide it's high enough. I'm terrified of heights. I promised myself I'd never do this, not this way at least. I'm on the roof and I make my way to the edge of the roof. My hands trembling but I decide to push my fears aside for once and to think about everyone else, just for once in my life I don't want to be selfish.

I look down and nearly fall. I don't want to fall. I don't want it to be an accident. I want it to be my choice. Not another accident in my life that brings tragedy, thank you. I look down one last time. The people look like ants. The cars barely look like they're moving. I'm so high up. I'm finally going to take my last fall after all the falls I've taken, my last fall. I'm finally going to be set free. I take my final jump and regret what I've done, but then everything I've lost and done in my life flashes in my mind. I feel utterly happy that this is how it ends.

I made the decision, I took my life. Now finally I can rest and so can everyone else. The fights over. Everyone can be happy. I've finally taken out what caused them all the deaths and problems in the world. At least they'll be happier. After a long fall, my stomach's in knots and it has this weird sensation of when you fall, I finally hit the ground and it's over. I'm gone, everything's black and dark. I took my final breath seconds ago. Lost to the world but remembered by few, I hope.