Gone // Nct [Book 2 of letters]

eight.

current time: 2:27 am.

why is my chest hurting so much? why can't i feel like i'm breathing? why do i feel stuck?

it hurts...it hurts so much.

what's going on? where am i? why does my throat feel like it's closing?

i can't move, my body feels paralyzed. my head is spinning, thoughts racing back and forth i start to feel sick. images of sicheng slowly take over my mind, flashback after flashback.

his voice....i can still hear his soft angelic voice. "yuta.." it's him, why can't i see him? all i want is to see him....please, just let me see him.

"sicheng!" i try to call out to him but there's no use. the boy i love is gone. i wonder if he's watching over me, protecting me from my nightmares.

oh no. that pain...it's coming back, i can feel my chest rising, breathing becoming slow, face sweaty, throat closing, please....where is all this pain coming from?

this feels like a nightmare, there's no light, people, sound, it's just pitch black and quiet.

all of these flashbacks of sicheng are hurting me, why won't they shut off? stop reminding me that he's gone.

another flashback, only this time i allowed myself to remember.

"sicheng, i love you too." that one line, that one simple fucking line didn't save him. the way his tears rolled down his face as he sat there, hopeless and in pain with no one to turn to before deciding he was willing to take his last breath.

how could i? how could i just sit there with him lying dead in my arms? i could have done something but i didn't. all i did was sit there sobbing for him to come back. i blame myself. how could i not? sicheng knew me in and out. there were little things i knew about him but apparently not enough or else he would be sitting here with me.

our memories...i'll always cherish them. he wrote in his letter not to forget him, i could never, NEVER forget you sicheng.

no matter how many times you've pushed me away doesn't explain how much i loved you, you should have told me you were hurting....i-i could have tried to helped you.

i don't know why i'm pouring my feelings out now but i know he can hear me even if he's not physically here.

sicheng, i hope you know that you're one of the most perfect boy i've ever known. you gave me life, you were my life. i'm so sorry for not being able to save you...i'm sorry you suffered so much...i'm sorry you couldn't turn to me. wherever you are i pray that you're happy, happier than you were when you were alive. when i held you in my arms as you took your last breath i didn't know how to act so i just held you....i held you so close to me sobbing for you to come back. i knew you weren't though, to this day i wish it was me and not you. you had so much to live for and i knew you didn't feel that way at all but i was here....you c-could have came to me....why didn't you come to me sicheng? i would have protected you. i'm mentally saying my goodbye, i can't bring myself to physically say it but, rest well my love.

my heart shatters at the reminder of our times together, my whole body feels empty without you next to me. the guilt that tries to swallow me is catching up, it knows how to break me.

"yuta i love you." please stop. i can't handle hearing your voice without feeling numb. i have no idea if this a nightmare or if i'm going insane but whatever it is please leave me alone.

maybe i should wake up? if only my body could move.

should i scream for help? probably not, no one's gonna save me.

my voice....its gone. nothing comes out when i try to speak, what the hell?

this can't be my new life, seeing nothing but darkness with occasional breakdowns while hearing sicheng's voice? no, i don't want this to be real. i need to wake up.

wake up....wake up....wake up please.

WAKE U-

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the dream...it wasn't real.

yuta finally awoke but with tears pouring down his face. what just happened? all he could remember was....sicheng's voice but...how? how is that possible? was he trying to tell him something?

before the boy could process anything, he slowly made his way to the bathroom splashing water on his face. "what the hell is going on?" there's no answer to his question, just more following after.

whatever yuta felt was something he never wanted to experience ever again. sicheng's voice is all he heard now, those four words 'yuta i love you' is messing with him, he can't tell whether to brush it off or think about it.

maybe he'll bring it up to the members at the meeting.

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oop if you didn't understand then it was basically like a nightmare/dream, yuta fell into a dark dream that made his thoughts go insane. the one person he thinks about the most is sicheng so of course he's there too.
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hopefully you all enjoyed uwu
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see y'all in the next chapter<3