Gone // Nct [Book 2 of letters]

ten.

today's the day. it's the group meeting and yuta couldn't help but feel scared. he's scared about what they might find, he's scared about his weakness showing. the boy knows going to the meeting would most likely end up with drama which is something he can't handle right now.

although, yuta knows everyone is trying to move on just like him, it's hard talking about sicheng. the most painful thing about his whole death is being remembered about him, literally who knew life would suck to the point where his lover let alone best friend would end his life. it sucks.

taeyong made it very clear that no one would miss this meeting no matter what's going on. there were only a few minutes before the boy would have to be down in the practice room (yes that's where they're all meeting). since it was just the members, yuta threw on sweats and a sweatshirt long enough to cover his cuts and scars. 

-

it's time, time for yuta to see everyone he hasn't interacted with since sicheng's funeral. except chenle and jungwoo of course. every step he takes, getting closer to the practice room the boy prays that no one checks his arms or even talks about the day of him finding sicheng. remembering that day is already painful enough for him but having to go into detail would break the boy down.

stepping inside the practice room yuta saw everyone sitting in a circle, guess he's late. oh well. thank god no one's staring at him, they all look worried matter of fact. strange. 

"now that all of us are here, let's begin." no one responded, it was so quiet that the only sound you can hear was everyone's breathing. talk about the room being awkward. 

no one seemed to talk or start up any conversations, yuta knew why. "you drag us here to have a meeting yet i don't hear anyone talking, if you're trying to be cautious about what might trigger me is a load of shit. i don't have time to sit here and watch you all struggle about what not to say. now, if we're not going to 'check in' with each other i'm leaving." well that was one way to get the members talking. to say everyone was shocked with yuta's sudden outburst would be an understatement. honestly, the whole reason they made this 'check in' happen was to see how he was doing. 

this time, johnny spoke up "you're right, but be honest yuta...how are you holding up?" the boy's response was a little harsh but who asks that kind of question when they know he lost someone special. "you wanna know how i'm doing? really johnny?? i don't know, how would you be holding up if you lost the love of your life let alone best friend? hm? tell me, how do you think i'm doing? do you honestly believe i'm happy filled with a shit ton of joy?" well that seemed to shut everyone up. 

if it weren't for everyone in the room, yuta would be sobbing. luckily, all the members didn't comment on his outburst towards johnny. well, almost everyone. "look yuta, i know you're handling the situation much differently from everyone else but it doesn't mean you can take it out on us let alone johnny. all we're trying to do is help, but we can't do that if you don't open up." no one's ever heard taeil snap like that, it's just everyone is so over yuta being all gloomy but they can't be mad at him. they have to accept it's hard for him but being rude towards someone who's trying to help is uncalled for. 

before this meeting turns into chaos, taeyong stepped in breaking everything up. once again, it was silent. that is, until they heard quiet sobs coming from yuta's direction. as much as the boy didn't want to cry in front of his members, he feels overwhelmed. chenle, being the good friend he is, stood up from his spot back hugging the older. it was the least he can do. hearing yuta's sobs broke everyones heart, it was like no matter how hard they tried there was nothing that can make the boy happy. it was getting to the point where they were feeling useless and failing at protecting one another. 

crying made yuta want to harm. right now he was feeling so low to the point where he just wanted to harm himself seeing the blood drip down his arm, he knew he wouldn't be able to do so so he gently scratched his recent cuts. it was stupid because everyone was just casually staring at him but at this point, the boy didn't give a shit. 

once he started scratching all 16 heads darted their eyes towards his sleeves. "yuta why are you scratching your arm?" choking up the best lie he could, the boy responded "no reason, i just had an itch." obviously no one believed him. "lift up your sleeves." "no, i told you it was just an itch" showing his cuts will be the last thing yuta does. "i heard, but i want to make sure" "taeyong i said no" clearly everyone wanted to know if he was harming so that's why taeyong was demanding to see his arms. "i'm sorry yuta, i didn't want it to come to this but...chenle hold him down." hearing those words sent the boy into panic "n-no no! chenle please let go of me" "i'm s-sorry yuta, i want you to get better" as the younger tightened his grip, taeyong walked over towards the boy proceeding to lift his sleeves. 

all around the room you can hear gasps and small sniffles. why? why couldn't they just let him cause pain upon himself? what he does to his body shouldn't have to involve anyone else. "i knew it.." hearing taeyong's voice break made yuta sob uncontrollably. 

- 

an hour has past and everything was finally starting to calm down. thank god. for those 60 minutes all of them showered their love towards yuta. at first they started talking about if he was ready to say goodbye to sicheng and then they went on about how much the boy holds a special place in their hearts. it was pretty emotional but they worked through it ending the meeting with a long group hug.

 yuta will get better, he will move on. today really opened his mind making him realize that conflicting pain upon himself is something sicheng wouldn't want. the boy was finally ready to say his goodbye. he still needs time to get all of his thoughts together before being able to see his grave but it's been awhile since he last felt at ease, having the members by his side through everything was a journey but it was worth it. just like doyoung said "even though sicheng is gone doesn't mean you have to follow him."

- 

so the next chapter will be the end of gone, it's going to be a time skip. usually, i don't like doing time skips because i think it throws off the whole story but i'm tired of writing this book. it's been a good 7-9 months writing this story but i wanna be able to expand my imagination. the more i try to continue the more i lose myself. angst is hard to come by, especially when writing. from trying to think of more ideas for the storyline isn't going well, i feel like every time i think of something it doesn't fit. with that being, i hope you all enjoyed<3