Proving herself as a showjumper

back riding

It's been 4 days since I lost Cody, I had been feeling a bit better it was my last day before I went home I decided that I would ride Bisquet one last time before going home. It was the afternoon when I went to ride, walking into the barn Marta was there she walked over to me and gave me a big hug, she loved Cody as much as I did, I knew it hurt hear hearing the news , she gave me the biggest hug, she had ever given me,we chatted for a bit before I went to Bisquet stall,he was standing chilled out , when I walked past he popped his head up, he started to recognize my voice, he seemed happy to see me ,I got his red leather collar from his stall door,I opened the door ,he came up to me ,I itched his head since he loved that, he turned into a teddy bear. I put on his halter on and walked his out the stall and into the crossties. Once I tacked him up, Nicola gave me a leg up on to Bisquet back Oliver has already on Legend and Nicola jumped on Chills back then we made our way down to the grass arena, we started since it was about a 10-minute ride to the arena.

O-have you made a decision about Bisquet?

M-I did but after Cody I rethinking everything. 

O-yeah, I understand.

M- yeah, I am going to take a break from shows for a while and rethink stuff, I been to busy to actually spend time with my horses and it seems like I keep losing them.

I had pushed myself the last couple years to be the best to train 24 hours a day, no stop then I fell in love with Nicola and I had someone else to care about I can't say it was easy dating someone after so long, Nicola was just as busy as me but I always pushed myself to be perfect and it came from always competing against my brother, it happens a lot with siblings who do the same sport but I always had to be perfect in everything, which made my life hell sometimes since I would not sleep if I had a test ,I would workout too much to the point I would almost pass out  but most I would not be happy if I didn't ride perfect or made a  mistake , its gotten better since my parents put me in therapy but I was still wanted to be perfect in everything  that would never go away, getting Beu helped he was always playing or just being silly and he loved to run so I stopped going to the gym since I run with him twice a day. Nicola never knew about all that it was my darkest secrets no one really understood it. I wanted to change and losing Cody woke me up to enjoy riding before him I only rode to win because of how much pressure was put on me and after time I only rode to win but getting Cody he made me enjoy it again but over time again winning became import I used to think if my brother was not in the spotlight and I was in his shadow I would not be like this.

We had a great ride, Bisquet was easy going, jumping anything I put him at, Ludo looked happy to see myself enjoying myself, he always knew I wanted to be perfect he could tell , I wasn't someone who at shows would smile or laugh I would just focus on the horses, myself and the course. Nicola smiled seeing me smiling since I hadn't been happy the last couple of days. Once we finished we went on a short hack around the forest, all three of us enjoyed it and so did the horses even with two stallions and a mare. It was about 5 pm when we finished riding and untacking the horses. We walked to the house since it was my last night, so I wanted to say goodbye and thanked them for everything they had done for me the last two weeks, walking in Veronique gave me a hug since I had not seen her since the night about news, we all talked for a while it was about 6 pm when we had dinner, it was wonderful as always. After dinner, I helped clean up the dishes , even if Veronique told me to , I mean i had dinner here about 4 times  so I wanted to help I always felt bad not helping people, after finish cleaning up ,I sat back down beside Nicola then Veronique gave me a box wrapped in grey paper. I opened to see a box and two photo frames,  one had a photo of me, and Cody, from WEG 2018 after my first round, I was smiling ear from ear and was one of my favorite photos ever, the other one had a photo from the last day I met the family when we had dinner together,they were photos that meant so much to me,then I open the box to see a leather bracelet with a nameplate with Cody's show name 'captain colorado' , I was almost in tears but in a way they were happy tears.