Sensitive Wolf

4.

The girl looking back at me tried to smile at me.

Tried being the operative word.

I sighed and willed myself to try again.

This time the corners of my mouth were lifted higher, but it did not seem like a smile, more like a grimace.

I winced and let my "smile" drop.

It was no use.
I could not smile at myself and find three things that went well today.
The words of my mother wanting to speak with my father about my behaviour at training overshadowed any slightly good situation that might had happened today.
I was frightened to my very core, because the last time she had talked with my father about something I did, it had not ended well for me.

However, I tried to push this unsettling feeling away concentrating on something, anything, that would make me feel good - would make me smile.

It would not do me any good thinking about what could or could not happen. A sentence Dr. Clairence often said to me. She always told me to worry about something only if I was sure that it was actually going to happen and right now I could not be sure....at least I tried to tell myself that.

Staring into my reflection in the mirror I saw a 22 year old woman, who actually looked younger, because of the fearful look in her eyes. As a member of the Mercy pack, you wanted to look fearsome, confident and powerful. Just by looking at you nobody should want to mess with you.

However, looking at me inspired no one to describe me as that. Due to my baby blue eyes and almost white blond hair everbody saw me as a weak person.

My parents had always thought I could use my "soft looking" appearence to confuse the enemy, but it soon became very clear that my looks matched my personality.

Another disappointment.

For my brother, however, it worked. Silas had the exact same hair colour as I, but his blue eyes were darker, which gave him a brooding look. He was three years older than me, the picture perfect son and soon to be Alpha of the Mercy pack.

Thinking about my brother had me smile. A real and genuine smile.

My big brother was my hero, because he often defended me against my parents and surprisingly they actually listened to him. Ironically his name meant protector and that was what he always had been to me. With Silas around life was more than just bearable.

My smile quickly vanished as I thought about my brother being in the Alpha training camp. He had been gone for almost a year now and I missed him terribly. Silas, as well as the other soon to be Alphas, were not allowed any outside contact as well as no visitation.

I still remember the day he left like it was yesterday. I had cried in my room for weeks not wanting to let anybody see how devastating him leaving had been for me. Not only was I now exposed to my parents hostilities and punishments, but I also lost my best friend and confidant.

Silas had always been there for me and had shielded me as best as he could from my parents' and pack members' crushing opinions about me. I had always known that no pack member really liked me and that my parents were disappointed in me, but once Silas was gone I realized how deep their hatred had really gone.

I had fallen into a deep depression after Silas' leave, but with the help of Dr. Clairence I had managed to overcome it.

"Think happy thoughts", her voice reminded me and I willed myself to follow her advice.

Once Silas was back, which could be any day, and would be announced Alpha a lot would change and I could not wait for it to happen.

Silas was a born figher, like my parents, but unlike them he did not see it as a necessity going off to war. Furthermore, I knew that he was unhappy with the ethics in the Mercy pack and how he wanted to change them once he was Alpha.