4 a.m. ☞ dt

2.5 - charlotte

4 a.m.
2.5 - charlotte
song: are we still friends? - tyler the creator

ethan and i had a short lunch before he and i had to work. he worked from home, through an office downstairs, so he wasn't under as much as a time crunch as i, but he accommodated my needs. i flicked through the t.v. aimlessly for fifteen minutes while ethan was in the kitchen making subs for the both of us. he brought a bag of chips to the dining room table and two cups of tea along with the sandwiches. i found the gesture awfully sweet and considerate of him. we didn't talk much, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. it was nice to have a connection with someone like that. a bond where although words may not fill the room, a sense of serenity was found.

i hadn't felt lonely throughout the last couple of weeks. mentally, i understood that i hadn't physically been alone in years, however the overwhelming sensation of isolation from the people around me had me feeling quite despair. i didn't know if there was anything i was working for, anything to wait for until i met these boys. who would've ever thought that my mother would provide such life-altering people into my life accidentally through judging my weight. it was so easy for me to stay with xavier and take each and every hit - literally and metaphorically - before i met grayson. suddenly, it became more and more apparent to me that i was going extra rough on grayson; way more so than i should be, at least. he's only looked out for me from the second we've met. yes, his notions were a little overbearing, but who is he to know the difference between too much and just plain worried when he hasn't been close to anyone in years and years... but aria, my subconscious added.

who was this girl? i know grayson said none of it was true, but where does ethan make up something like that? and why would he? to make grayson jealous, no doubt, but the girl must be real, at least. even if grayson never went "psycho" there was probably a girlfriend at some point. i wondered what their relationship could've been like, or if it was anything similar to how grayson and i's relationship was.

ethan drove me to work, although i insisted that i walk, he demanded that i let him drive me. he was fearful about the walk and figured something might happen to me. in this part of town, i found it unlikely, but to make him feel better i rode in the passenger seat to his bmw. the drive was concise. ethan got out of the car, gave a hug and kissed me goodbye before driving back to his house to do some paperwork and phone the head of the firm.

the cool air conditioning of safeway hit my bare arms when i walked through the automatic sliding doors. i rubbed the goosebumps away hastily before going to the back of the store to check in. grayson must've taken his lunch break to check on me at ethan's because he stood at a counter quickly checking someone's groceries. he and i made eye contact quickly before i ducked into the break room, clocking in for my shift. a whiteboard told me to go to cash register 12, coincidentally the station directly next to gray's. i give him a short smile and wave before taking over the register from mandy.

+

the day goes by slower than i'd like it to. the weight of how unruly i'd been to grayson had been sitting on my shoulders and it didn't help that i was five feet away from him, unable to have a proper conversation and apologize for my behavior. it felt unnatural for us to be this awkward around each other, and i didn't want our bond to be ruined over something like this.

i wish i was more confident with my emotions so that he wouldn't have gotten hurt. i wish i had known, and will know who i should be with. my gut is definitely telling me to get close with ethan. telling me that this is the right thing to do. he is the right person for me. but the confusion is that i did have feelings for grayson, and i still do. i presume i always will have a soft spot for him because of the life he saved me from. i'm not sure that that means i love him, though. he told me he loved me, and i wish he didn't. he is my best friend and i'm emotionally involved with his twin brother, who he already doesn't have a fantastic relationship with. i can understand his frustration, but i can't control my feelings. it kills me that my love life affects him in such a way as this, and i regret ever making grayson and i's relationship anything more then platonic. but who was to know that ethan would pop back into his life and simultaneously mine?