Dear you,
Yeah, you know who you fucking are. We were supposed to get married. And buy a house, and have kids. Because our kids would have been fucking adorable and you know it. We had it all planned out, our future together. I would have gone anywhere in the world just to be with you. But you’re a year older than me, and something convinced you that you couldn’t wait… And then you were gone.
It’s funny you know, you were the first to say ‘I love you’, so it only makes sense that you were the first of us that was ready to leave. You used to drive an hour into town for cell phone service just so you could tell me I was beautiful. And I believed you. You erased every self hating thought I held towards myself. I felt good with you… And then you were gone.
You took a three hour trip just to say hi and spend less than five minutes with me because that was all the time you had available to give me. I quit smoking, I paid better attention in school, participated in events, made more friends. I was a better person when I was with you… And then you were gone.
And then you were back… But you were never in the same way, and never in the same state. I couldn’t tell if you even remembered anything past us just being friends, even though it had been so important to me. But I had slid so far back; I needed a friend, so I pretended like the past never happened. Four years… I continued for four years with no explanation. And then I mentioned California, and you told me. You finally told me why you had run. It was so casual, like it didn’t even matter. But that one fucking sentence made every single thing we went through make total sense to me. And I forgave you, right there.
The new fiancé was a surprise. But then again, she has the same birthday as me so maybe we’re alike in some cosmic way. And that hurts more than anything you’ve ever done. A week after I found out about that, you announced that she was pregnant. Everything we planned, you get to have with someone who was born on the same day as me. It broke my heart, and I decided I needed to get over you. So I did, and it was working. But you have a funny way of sensing when I’m forgetting you.
“I miss your face.”
It’s such a simple sentence, isn’t it? I’m sure you agree as you’re the one who sent it. It took you 17 key strokes to pull my head right back into the fog that is my feelings for you. And that’s not fair. Why do you get to move on with your life while expecting me to sit idly by and watch you have the life we wanted?
The worst part about all of this is that I don’t hate you. Not one bit. I still, and always will, love you with every drop of my being and every inch of my soul. And I suppose that is the true tragedy of it all.
Always yours,
Me
