My quirky side

An Interest in Serial Killers?!?! I should be better than this?!?! HELP!!!!

So...I discovered I have an interest in serial killers. This happened a couple years ago, when I discovered I loved creepy things and reading Creepypastas...specifically Jeff the Killer, 1999, and Candle Cove.

The one that worries me now, is the fact that I grew an eagerness to understand Jeff the Killer. What would've it been like to be burned, and have your face surgically repaired? What's it like to get bullied so bad that you finally snap? What is it like to feel excitement and accomplishment after killing the bullies that have tormented you since your arrival? Can I feel that?

I soon moved onto other things, and didn't go back to that frame of mind until a few months later, where I started watching horror games on Minecraft that were played by DanTDM. I didn't think much of it then, but I think that the horror aspect and the cruel plot lines behind the games, fuelled a bit of the curiousity that lingers inside me till this very day.

After I grew out of that, I continued the habit very once in a while for a couple years. The next big occurrence came up sometime last year. I looked up a YouTubed I hadn't watched in a long time: Rob Dyke. I noticed that he did videos on the back stories of serial killers. Curiosity got the best of me...next thing you know, I was hooked! It felt like the zip you get after drinking a bunch of coffee, just to stay awake. Or, the boost of excitement a child gets when they SEE chocolates, let alone EAT them! It's nuts!

And on top of that, I've grown numb over the look of cuts, amputations, corpses and any disgusting stuff that people would normally go green over. I can handle it all! The only thing I can't handle, is barf. I can clean it up, but I can't stare at it for too long, before I feel a gag reflex.

So, now my constant worry is that if I keep this up, I'll become an insane person like them...

And with what my birth parents did to me already, I DON'T WANT THAT! The last thing I want, is to become my birth parents: Unable to make decisions on their own, and unable to take care of themselves.

Either way, I'm still interested in getting into a conversation about serial killers or horror movies.

Or the new Sander Sides video?

THIS VIDEO TALKS ABOUT THE SAME STUFF THAT I THINK ABOUT, AND WORRY ABOUT! Plus, it includes a BRAND NEW CHARACTER, AND I LOVE HIM ALREADY! The only problem I have with him, is that he says the word "butt" too much...but hey, he's gay. And frankly, that's how homosexuals have sex! 😅

The video is actually the main reason why I MADE THIS CHAPTER AT 11:00 AT NIGHT! Because those thoughts have been getting into my dreams lately. They haven't bothered me. The fact that the dreams don't bother me, is the  entire reason as to why I'm bothered by this. People should be freaked out by those nightmares! Thomas was freaked out, because the thoughts still scare him as an adult! But I'm half his age, and not scared of murder anymore. I should be walking into my parents room and sleeping on the floor, in the comfort of their room! Why? Because the dreams should be scaring me! Even scarring me! But they don't! The dreams don't scare me whatsoever, which means that I'm growing numb to the worst possible thing: Murder.

Which brings me to my next thing: Should I talk to somebody about this? Or should I leave it alone? Part of me wants to leave it alone and let the thoughts fester. But the other part of me wants to tell someone. What if they think I'm insane? What if I AM insane?!

Am I capable of killing???????

At this point, the only thing stopping me from killing people, is empathy. My ability to connect with so many people, and feel their feelings, stops me from pulling a gun or a knife on literally anyone. The only people I'd ever want to kill, would be my birth parents. Frankly, I would rather them die an understanding person, than let them live as apathetic people in this cruel world that allows it...It's ruthless knowing I'm related to those kinds of people...

I wish my adopted parents were my real parents...I would feel a lot better about life it that were the case...

Anyway, I gotta go. It's getting really late.

Good night.
~D.S. 29