The Sharpest Lives (frerard)

I'm Not Ok

Gerard Way

Ragged breaths. Keep calm, I remind myself. Breathe. But I can't. My breath is quick and shallow, and my heart feels as though it's about to burst through my chest.

This isn't the first time. This time will be different.

It will be better.

I grasp the sides of the vanity, trying to keep my balance. Who am I kidding? This time will be exactly the same as the other millions of times. I'll be lonely. I'll be bullied. I'll be that strange kid no one wants to make eye contact with because he's "got something wrong with him". If you even make contact with me, you'll be lucky to make it out alive before a strange infection only I've got kills you.

That's the way it's always been.

Why should it change because we're moving schools?

A tear slips out of my eye before I can stop it.

My breath slows down, my chest rising and falling in an exact pattern. I stare down into the sink blankly, my pessimistic thoughts driving me crazy. I shake my head slightly, trying to empty out my brain of these thoughts. I let go of the vanity, looking around to grasp my bearings. My hand grips the cold tap on the sink, turning it so that the cool, clear water runs out and into the basin. I put my hands under it, watching blankly as they fill with water. My head lowers, and I bring my hands slowly up to my face. The cold water stings, but it feels calming.

Time to get ready.

My breath catches in my throat.

What if...?

No. I'm not going to have another panic attack. I'll be ok.

"Gerard? You ok?" Mikey's muffled voice calls from behind the bathroom door.

I take a deep breath, mentally and physically preparing myself to plaster on a fake smile and lie straight to my twin brothers face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just getting ready." I say, the lack of shakiness in my voice surprising me.

"Ok, well we have.... Twenty minutes to get to school. Are you decent?" He calls from behind the door.

"Yep," I say, letting out a breath and smiling half-heartedly as he enters the room.

"This is going to be a disaster and a half," Mikey mutters half to himself. I smile fakely, my chest filled with anxiety. It's overflowing, preparing to explode into millions of tears and jitters and panic attacks and who knows what else.

"Yeah...." I sigh, and he pulls me into a warm hug. I push my face into his new, fresh smelling school blazer, taking a shaky breath.

"It'll be ok. Trust me." Mikey reassures me. I nod slowly, not believing him.

"Ok."

***********************************************************************************************

I straighten my tie nervously, my sweaty palms slipping down the blue and red school tie. My eyes dart around the schoolyard, trying to make a clear path in my mind that we can walk without getting noticed. I swallow hard, pushing my ugly long black hair out of my eyes. I hear Mikey sigh next to me.

"This is it, I guess." He says quietly. I nod, my teeth clenching in fear.

"This is it." I breathe, sounding stronger than I actually am. Mikey leads the way, dodging jocks and baseball bats, hippies and "pretty girls". I weave my way through it all, right behind him. How the fuck are we supposed to make friends here? All I see are the stereotypical cliques, hissing at anyone who dares even glance at them. My eyes dart down as I catch one of the jocks eyes. He smirks at me, probably thinking I look like his next prey to beat up in the corridor, making me bleed until I pass out....

I shake my head forcefully, trying to erase those thoughts from my mind.

"Where are we going....?" I whisper to Mikey hesitantly.

"This map says our first period is History, and the room is somewhere in that building," Mikey points his finger up to a large, bland looking brick building. That must be the school. A creamy coloured cement line the few windows that there are, clashing with the rest of the ugly light brown walls and roof.

As we reach the stairs that lead up to the front doors of the school after being stared at, shoved, smirked and laughed at, I breathe a small sigh of relief. Inside can't be as bad as outside.

Right?

Wrong.

As soon as I take foot inside the building, all hell breaks loose.

Students as far as the eye can see, like schools of fish, all huddled together, laughing, chatting, bitching, singing.....

I feel the panic start to rise in me again. My heart hammering in my chest, I feel my breathing becoming rapid again. I can't do this. There are too many people. I feel their judging eyes and dirty looks pierce holes through the back of my head.

"Hey. Gerard. It's ok." Mikey's mutters from next to me, sounding muffled and distant. I nod quickly, my eyes wide, darting here and there among the judgemental students. I feel a hand rest on my shoulder, and I flinch back. My head turns quickly to see who touched me, but all I see is Mikey's worried expression facing me. I need to calm down, I tell myself again and again.

Suddenly a deafening ringing sound echoes all around the hallway. I squint at the sound of it. Oh god. That was the bell. Now the real torture begins.

"Oh shit. I don't know where we are." Mikey says, panic entering his voice. Suddenly everything becomes silent. I look around, only to see the once full-to-the-brim hallways absolutely deserted in less than a second.

Except for one short boy, digging through his locker. Before I can say or do anything, Mikeys walking briskly up to the teenager. I quickly curse under my breath and follow him hesitantly.

"Um... excuse me," Mikey says quietly as he reaches the boy. His head turns from looking down at his locker to us, his eyes wide.

"Could you tell us where this classroom is?" Mikey asks him, the map of the school in his hand.

The boy nods. "Oh yeah sure. I have the same class as you. Follow me." He grabs a book out of his locker, swings his bag over his shoulder, tucking a strand of short black hair behind his pierced ear. "I'm Frank, by the way."