The Sharpest Lives (frerard)

This Is How I Disappear

Gerard Way

(Tw: self harm)

My hands grasp the downpipe so hard it almost draws blood, my heart pounding desperately in my chest. I see his back hunched over, his messy brown hair covering his neck and his arms crossed over his knees.

"Mikey!" I yell at him as I hoist myself up onto the roof, my shaky legs hastily taking me towards him. His head turns towards me, a sigh escaping his lips.

"What do you want?" He mutters as he turns away from me, his eyes focusing on a point in the distance.

"To apologize... to you." I breathe as I stumble on the uneven tiles, my feet catching on the fading brown disks.

"Ok, Ok! I get it, you're sorry. Whatever." He says, his hand rubbing his eyes sorely. I walk carefully over to him, sitting down and letting my legs dangle over the edge of the roof.

"I'm really sorry I was at Franks longer than I said I would be. Really, really, sorry." I murmur, hearing Mikey sigh.

"It's ok. You want to spend time with your new boyfriend, that's ok. I don't want to stop you." He says forcefully as if he's trying to convince himself more than me.

"But if you need something, I don't want to not be there for you. And I don't want anyone, even Frank, to get in the way of that. Ok?"

"Ok."

"What was it you wanted me for?"

"Its... I just needed help."

"For what?"

He pauses, biting his lip anxiously.

"You can tell me," I say, my eyes narrowing sceptically. What would he want to hide from me?

"Yeah... I know..." He sighs heavily. Then, he lifts his right arm and pulls the sleeve of his jumper back, revealing a constellation of messy, red scars and scratches, bruises blotching up the sides. My stomach flips sickeningly as I realize what I'm staring at. I feel my vision swim before my eyes and I place a hand on Mikey's arm, bile rising in my throat.

"You..." Is all I can whisper.

"I'm sorry," He mutters shakily, pulling his sleeve back up to cover his wrists. "I know I shouldn't have... I was just feeling so... so evil. Like I deserved pain," I shake my head, tears starting to prick at my eyes.

"I can't believe you... I wish I had-" I say, but cut myself short as a realization so vile fills my mind, making me want to throw up. "This was when you called me. This is what you needed help with." I say flatly, but a cascade of terrible emotion floods my entire body. "You needed me to convince you not to because you couldn't do it yourself. Oh my god. Oh my god-" My breathing starts quickening as I realize that it's my fault my brother hurt himself. It's all my fault he has those scars on his wrists.

"Gerard! It's not your fault. It was mine. I... I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry..." he apologizes as if reading my mind, wrapping his arms around me tightly. I lean towards him, feeling the guilt and shame build up in my stomach, my vision fuzzy as tears start to make their way down my face. It's my fault. All my fault. Mikey self-harmed. Because of me.

His arm unwraps from around my shoulders, and he closes his eyes in exhaustion, a deep breath developing in his chest.

"I just feel so bad. For k-killing that man. He was innocent, completely innocent. He didn't deserve to die, Gerard!" Mikey says desperately, his wide, tear-filled eyes turning to me.

"I know, but it wasn't your fault, ok?" I force, shaking my head. "You're a vampire now. There are going to be things that are out of your control-"