You were mine - Bennoda ✔️

•• chapter 19: withdrawing care? ••

That night I got called by the doctor...

"Hello? Mike Shinoda speaking..."  I answered.

"Hello Mr. Shinoda.. this is Doctor Anders.. As we've told you, We have a choice to make..."

I gulped "Yeah.." before sitting down at the kitchen table.. if Chester passes... there'll be one more chair than we need... This is how I looked at everything god damn it... from our closet space, to his toothbrush in the bathroom... to all of his shoes...

"Since Chester has been in this state for nearly half a year now, we must decide mr shinoda, We honestly do not think he'll wake up again..." the doctor said the words I've been dreading to hear... The words I'd never wanted to hear and never expected to hear..

Suddenly something has changed and I don't want to try anymore.. nothing seemed worth it, unignorable feelings.. tears welled in my eyes "Yeah..."

"We have decided that.. it may be better to stop his treatment.." Doctor Anders said.. I shakily inhaled "O-okay..." I choked out "m-maybe that's w-what's best for h-him..."

He'd be set free... Free from the world that... somehow always managed to make life bitter for him... but he didn't deserve that at all..

Some people say life is brutal and beautiful but... For Chester it was life that was mainly Brutal and... Chester was so beautiful..

Suddenly I started judging myself, blaming myself, It was my fault after all, I kicked him out.. If I would not have done that, it'd be okay... Chester would he here, we could've gotten him help...

Oh god what did I do?

The doctor spoke up "Okay, Mr. Shinoda, I will see you at 10 am tomorrow, we will discuss further details and uhm... If you have any questions you want to ask now.."

"Will it hurt?" I asked, Carried away by my worry, the last thing I'd want is for Chester to.. pass away in pain..

"No, I can assure you it will not hurt Mr. Bennington, He will pass peacefully in his sleep.." the doctor said, hurt even audible in his voice..

I nodded and shut my eyes, tears streamed down my cheeks "o-okay... t-that's.... good... c-can I- I uhm... I need a m-moment.."

"I understand Mr. Shinoda... I will see you again.. tomorrow.." the doctor said and I hung up..

I felt so defeated.. I let tears run freely and I laid my face down on the table with my arms before starting to cry...

I destroyed our lives... it's hard to breathe now, heavy pressure pressed on my lungs... nights were long and slowly I lost will to fight... My world without Chester?

There's nothing...

I knew Im not alone, I got the guys, the kids, parents and fans... And maybe Chester's soul would be with me the whole time, we'd meet again in another life... we'd see each other again in a different light... I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy because.. the last time was with Chester...

I cried and cried, not caring about what time it was anymore...

I remember Chester singing to me alone for the first time, And what song it was....

Even thinking of it made me cry more... I can't handle this.... I can't, I can't I fucking Can't!

My world was falling apart which was my own stupid fault... It was my fucking fault I fucking hate myself...

I continued crying and completely lost track off time, when the doctor called it was 10 pm...

But when I finally got my face from the table, I checked the time to see it was 3:28 am...

My god...

I can't let him go... he's... he's the love of my life..

Would he want to be set free? The doctors told me they thought it was a suicide attempt..

And after everything I put him through.. no surprise... I'm a terrible husband.. not just husband.. person...

I started crying again...

Reality hit like a slap in the face... sudden loss is like a stab in the back... But there's no words to describe the pain of the loss of a loved one...

Why can't Chester's battle know victory? He's done it before, But.... That time it wasn't intentionally, That was because of Cora..

—

The next morning I walked into the dreaded Hospital.. Maybe this was one of the last times I'd go here for Chester...

Laura looked at me with a sad expression "Good morning Mike..." She offered sadly. "Hi..." I whispered, it wasn't exactly a good morning... but I understood her point..

She told me that same old room number and I was on my way... Steps felt heavy, As if my mind was stopping me from going... But I had to.. with a heavy heart, Knowing Chester wouldn't recover now..

I walked into the room where Doctor Anders was waiting.. he gave me a nod as greeting "Hello Mr. Shinoda..."

"Hi..." I whispered again, I looked at Chester, still the same as yesterday..

"Alright, Uh.. If you still agree we shall withdraw care of Chester Bennington, We will remove the Mechanical Ventilation... Since the body needs fresh oxygen, Mr. Bennington would pass of suffocation... But I assure you it does not hurt him.." the doctor spoke, I have to say goodbye to Chester.... I simply have to..

I wiped a few tears "O-okay... c-can I s-say goodbye to h-him?"

The doctor nodded "I will give you all the time you need... I'll be in the hallways if you need anything or.. when you're ready... I will be back in 20 minutes however.. but you can always pick me up earlier.." And he left the room...

I walked towards Chester's lifeless body "Chester... h-hi baby... I-I.. Wow.. I-I'm gonna m-miss you so m-much a-and... I-I wish the b-best for y-you... D-Draven want you t-to know he's s-sorry a-and... s-so am I... I-I let y-you down... I-I failed you C-Chaz... B-but please... j-just wake up, I-I need you, w-we all do... and.. n-no words can describe h-how much I l-love you... Y-you're like m-my angel in d-disguise, M-my ray of H-heaven and... s-so much more... R-remember when w-we first m-met? I... I... ever since I saw y-you... I k-knew you were the o-one.. D-deep down I did k-know... b-but I wasted a-all that time.. B-but ever since t-that moment I k-knew that.. I-I need you Chazzy... p-please don't go t-today.... I-I'm so s-sorry..." I said before starting to sob, I hugged him and cried onto his chest...

Suddenly I remembered... a song I sang for Chester when he was in the hospital in high school... But another song shot into my mind...

"The willow it weeps today
A breeze from the distance is calling your name
Unfurl your black wings and wait
Across the horizon it's coming to sweep you away
It's coming to sweep you away
Let the wind carry you home
Blackbird fly away
May you never be broken again
The fragile cannot endure
The wrecked and the jaded a place so impure
The static of this cruel world
Cause some birds to fly long before they've seen their day
Long before they've seen their day
Let the wind carry you home
Blackbird fly away
May you never be broken again
Beyond the suffering you've known
I hope you find your way
May you never be broken again
Ascend may you find no resistance
Know that you made such a difference
All you leave behind will live to the end
The cycle of suffering goes on
But memories of you stay strong
Someday I too will fly and find you.... a-again...." I choked up, disabling me from singing the song any further...

I was weeping, remembering all the unforgettable memories, all the legendary music, all the indescribable feelings...

All in memory of Chester Bennington.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, Okay this is it...

Goodbye Chester, may we meet again...