My Muse

16

Jinyoung didn't realize exactly how much of a mess he was without Mark.

The elder hadn't come back to visit for the next few days. Jinyoung sat there like a dumbass wondering why, waiting for him to come knocking on his door even though he was the one that basically told Mark not to come over.

He really did try to get over Mark.

He tried making himself feel like he didn't need the other. That he should be happy that Mark was happy. That life will still go on and the world will still turn no matter what Mark's feelings were towards him.

It didn't work.

He was too far deep, his heart too attached to Mark to so quickly forget about him.

Everything constantly reminded him of the elder anyway. The plates they both used to eat on, the couch they often sat together on and sometimes cuddled, the bed they shared since there was only one and no one liked sleeping on the floor or in the living room by themselves, even the random bits of clothes he left laying around that Jinyoung shamefully clutched to his chest as they still carried Mark's scent on them. Mark had left traces of himself everywhere, there was physically no way for Jinyoung to escape him.

And just to worsen things, his boss assigned him to do another post for their website to make up for his previous late one. He really wasn't in any mood to find something inspiring to photograph and write about, and with Mark not around, doing his job was nearly ten times harder.

His muse wasn't there to inspire him anymore. Jinyoung didn't even feel like looking at his camera. He hated the contraption, taking all of those pictures of Mark and storing them on an SD card just to torment Jinyoung at the worst of times. Granted, that's what cameras were supposed to do, he still hated the damn thing. He literally picked up his camera 90% to photograph Mark. Now it sat on a counter, untouched for days.

One should get tired of feeling sad and gloomy for days upon days turning into weeks of dark days and depressive episodes, and Jinyoung was in fact tired of it. And— as one may have easily guessed— Mark was one of his only sources of happiness, so despite how tired of it he was, Jinyoung just couldn't get out of that slump.

It was quite astonishing to first handedly experience how losing someone felt. Intense waves of jealousy and anger rushed through Jinyoung, he sometimes wanted to punch Jaebum in the face for even existing. Then the self deprecation came along, blaming himself for not being attractive and terrible boyfriend material for Mark. And after that, he'd just wallow in the sadness. It was so repetitive, so annoying, so stupid— yet what else was he supposed to do?

Jinyoung literally couldn't find anything better to do with himself. He didn't want to do anything. Not without Mark around. His chest hurt constantly, like a hole had been drilled through it.

It all fucking sucked.

He thought that for days upon days. Everything fucking sucked.

And before he knew it, it was dark outside and he'd have to go to sleep just to mope around the next day over the same thoughts that tortured him.

He finally took a shower at least. Changed his clothes. His place was a mess though. He didn't feel like cleaning. He wanted to hide in his bed and think about how worthless he was. That was way more appealing than doing anything productive.

Jinyoung shifted his covers around, lifting them to slide in his bed, and of course, just as he settled his body against the now seemingly bigger mattress since he wasn't sharing it with anyone, he heard the loud knock of someone banging at his door.

He was caught by surprise, not really expecting anyone at such a late hour.

He didn't even think to look through the peephole to see who would be bothering him at that time of night. He just opened it, prepared to deal with someone coming to the wrong room or some kids playing a trick on him.