AKA

6.

Upon entering my room, I realized what could possibly happen right now. Mars and I have kissed before but this is something I swore my therapist and myself that I wouldn't do.

His hand crept up my back as he spoke into my ear, "Where'd you go?" He said referenceing my distant gaze.

Snapping out of my thoughts I looked up at him through my eyelashes. Not saying anything I turned to face him, wrapping my arms around his waist. Both of his hands positioned themselves to my cheeks while he stared deeply into my eyes. My eyes fluttered closed as he leaned foward against me. I anticipated his lips on mine but after a while I could only feel his breath softly tickling the top of my nose.

"Do it." I said softly, keeping my eyes shut. After a pause I heard a deep chuckle escape the back of his throat. Smiling slightly, I was caught off guard by his lips connecting with mine. I melted into him and we gradually began to move to the bed. His hands connected with the back of my thighs, pulling them up and around his body. As we layed down,  a sudden feeling of guilt came over me. Not because I felt bad about it but because I knew it wouldn't help either of us in the long run.

Pulling away I spoke in between breaths, "Won't this complicate things? Should we be doing this?"

He stared back at me hungrily but also slighty agitated that I was just now asking these questions. Running a hand through his hair he spoke with an overwhelming amount of conviction, "No, because this doesn't mean anything."

It was so nonchalant, Like he genuinely didn't give a fuck about what he was about to do. My face dropped as I scooted away from him on the bed while adjusting my clothes.

"Wow, so this is just another one of your impulses?" The effects of the drugs had been shaken out of me by his statement.

"No, I didn't mean it like that..I just meant-"

Cutting him off I jolted to my feet. "No, you meant it, and that's okay. I think it's best that we don't do whatever we were about to do. Since it means nothing right?"

I was trying my best to stay calm but I was being slightly passive aggressive. I could tell he was still being deeply effected by the many drugs we had taken tonight so maybe we can just continue this conversation another time.

He stood up taking a step towards me, "Come on Lu don't be dramatic, what did you think was going to happen after this? We would ride into the sunset? Hold hands and take long walks on the beach?"

I couldn't do anything but laugh out of anger. We already have you idiot. My fists balled up subconsciously and my teeth clenched tightly. "Are you fucking kidding me? Have you even thought at all before saying anything in the last 2 minutes? For once you're willingly telling the truth.. and no you can't blame the drugs and you definitely can't blame how fucked up you really are. Like Jesus Mars..."

I was past angry at this point. I could say so many things just to make him feel the way I felt right now. I was off limits, He was off limits. We were both wrong in this situation, him because he didn't give a fuck and me because I did.

He let out a loud groan and rolled his eyes. "Fuck Luci! Seriously what did you expect, you gave everyone ecstasy! So excuse me for being fucking horny. Would it be easier if I told you I loved you? fuck that!"

My eyes watered and my head pounded with the amount of anger I was feeling. I was shaking. 1,2,3,4. Breathe. Breathe. Fuck this, I'll kill him, I will fucking kill him. I wasn't me anymore. His voice wouldn't stop taunting me. It was invading my mind making me crazy with every word he spoke.

"I'll kill him, I'm gonna fuckin kill him." I was speaking so quietly to myself as I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut. "I swear to God!" I was now pulling on my hair.

In the blink of an eye I had swung the door open and was storming down the hall. It was like tunnel vision, and I was headed straight for the front door.

Reaching the living room I could hear muffled voices at my side, "Lu breathe...Mars, bro what did you do?"

The second half of the statement caught my attention. Turning around I was met by his face again, now notably sobered up. Taking a step towards him I screamed in his face, "Do you want to fuckin die!" I was now laughing maniacally as I stepped closer to him.

Suddenly I felt an arm around my waist dragging me to the door and outside. "I'm your worst fucking nightmare Mars! Take your life before I do, cause I'll make it fuckin hurt!"

I've only been this angry a few times before, and it usually results in my blacking out and sleeping for a insane amount of hours. I wasn't sure who had me, or where I'd gone but I didn't see him again that night.

~

I woke up in a  familiar room with a pounding headache, not fully remembering the night before. I know that I was upset, I remember screaming and I remember...Mars. The drugs didn't help me to retrieve my memory but by the way I felt I knew it was bad.

"You're up!"

Looking to my right I saw a shirtless Shank coming through the door.

"What'd I do?" I asked immediately in attempts to connect the dots. His face dropped as he made his way to sit on the edge of the bed.

"You kinda blew up. You almost scared me, felt like I didn't even recognize you..." He trailed off while scratching the back of his head.

Pulling my knees to my chest, I suddenly felt tears streaming down my face. I know I wasn't the victim, this was just one of the stages of coming down from such an intense episode. At that moment everything came rushing back to me in a wave almost making me feel dizzy.

"What did he do to you?" Shank said as he tried to comfort me, but I could tell he was hesitant. Not caring to beat around the bush, I quickly began to give him the run down.

He seemed shocked that Mars would say the things he did and I could tell he wanted to defend him. "Just say it.." I said adjusting in the large hoodie that I'm guessing Shank had put on me last night.

"..You know he can't control it, just like you can't control your anger.." He seemed scared to disagree.

"I know, that's not the point. It's what he said shank. He clearly doesn't feel the way, I guess I feel about him. It's like I was just a quick fix for the night. I listened to his heart beat...I fucking trusted him and he knows that I..." I stopped once I felt myself getting worked up. Nothing I was saying seemed to make much sense, I was just rambling.

"Oh.." Shank said widening his eyes. As if he had come to some kind of realization. Raising one of my eyebrows at him, he continued to mentally put two and two together.

"What!" I said bucking at him a bit.

Jumping, a little a small smile came across his face as he began to speak cautiously. "I think we've all kinda known..but you love him?" It came out as a question but I knew it was rhetorical.

"What kind of fucking question is that? How did you even come to that conclusion?" Mad but not angry.

"Deep breaths Lu..It's okay if you do." He said putting his hands on my shoulders.

"That's the problem...It's not, it's really not. For that reason right there, that at any moment he could say, or do, something completely stupid and then who knows what I would do to him..."

He stared back at me, searching for his words, "Maybe finally admitting that you love eachother would make things easier, relieve some of the...tension..?"

I scoffed at his rebuttal and began to rise out of the bed. "Remember what he said? Yeah..that's not gonna happen.." Fuck that.

•••

This is pretty bad, How could they ever come back from this?

-SUSU