Please, let me die.

Chapter Thirteen

Katsuki sat at the back of the bus, gauntlets beside him, arms folded. His ever-present scowl adorned his face. The past few weeks had gone by with a breeze. The boy inside his head, Alphie, has kept to his word and hasn't spoken any harsh words that could tear down his ego. They would even have conversations in his dreams. They would talk about everything and nothing all at once. Katsuki almost even forgot that this little shit in his head tried to kill him... tried to make him kill himself.

He almost considered him a friend, an ally.

Now just because he and his little buddy in his brain have been all hunky-dory does not mean that he feels like he is number one again. Actually, it's quite the opposite. He lets the feeling of worthlessness cover him like a thick blanket as if to protect him from the harsh coldness of the world. He lets his self-hatred fuel his anger, pushing him to train harder, work himself beyond his self proclaimed limits. He no longer is afraid of hurting himself. He is no longer held back by futile things like self-preservation. He can let everything out.

He thinks it's a good thing. In reality, he is hurting but he doesn't want to say anything about it. It's what it takes to be strong.

In the past few weeks, he had hardly spoken to anyone, always in his head. The only people he would talk to now was Alphie and Shoto.

All of that silence and training led him here, back of the bus staying as far away from Izuku as he can.

Although he was not happy that he was stuck with the nerd, he had come to terms with it. He would never say it out loud but he was strong, really fucking strong. And given who they were put up against, it might not be too bad to have the little fucker on his side.

He was ready for this test. He was ready to use this new found confidence (?) to his advantage. Alphie had told him time and time again to hold nothing back, that's the key. Alphie told him to listen to his advice and go along with the nerd but he had to let out the finishing blow. There was no way that he couldn't. Alphie, even though he looked young, had smarts. He had "helped" Katsuki train. He had helped him realize that he wasn't the big shot that he had always told himself he was. He was not number one and that it was ok. All he had to do was follow what Alphie said. Nothing bad could happen, surely.

The bus lurched to a stop, throwing Katsuki out of his thoughts.

Gathering his stuff, he looked to the head of the bus. His eyes locked with forest green ones. Katsukis first reaction was anger but there was a part of him telling himself that he is in no place to be angry at him. There is no reason that he should want to tear Izuku down. He took a deep breath and looked down.

That's it. Do what I told you. Don't let that anger get into the way of m- our goal. Don't let it get in the way! Just focus that anger onto yourself. Let that hate into your soul. Let it make you stronger. Direct it to you. Yourself. No one else.

He stepped off the bus and followed the other two to the gate. All Might was showing the two that he handicapped himself. All Katsuki responded with was a little tch and he looked back at Izuku. The boy with the green hair had a hard look on his face. One that said, "I am going to win and you can't stop me". He had been wearing that face a lot lately.

The buzzer sounded and they were off.

"Kacchan. We need to run away even with the handicaps he is extremely strong. There is no way we can beat him." Izuku's spoke with urgency.

"No. we can beat him. Running is the coward's way. We need to take him head-on." Katsuki's narrowed his eyes and looked at the teen running next to him.

"Oh don't you dare try to tell me its the cowards way." Izuku scoffed.

"What are you implying, fucker?? You got something to say then say it to my face!" the hot-headed blond stopped running, letting his anger get ahead of him before he could do what Alphie said.

Izuku stopped too, looking deep into red eyes without hesitance.

"Have you seen how you are acting these days??? You say that I'm a coward. I knew that it would end up this way! All this time I tried to get to you and help you but you would not talk to anyone! These days you talk to yourself! And if you are not talking to yourself you are either talking to Todoroki-Kun or blowing up shit behind the school! These weeks I have been trying to talk to you and you wouldn't let me! Why don't you ever let anyone help you, Kacchan?! You have the audacity to try to kill yourself and call me the coward?! You never went to anyone! You never told anyone how you felt and it fucking hurts me to see you this way but it hurts, even more, trying to help you but realizing I can't. I cant because you won't let me in." Izuku is panting. His hands balled up in fists like he is trying not to punch something or someone.

"You don't know how I felt-!"

"Exactly! Because you wouldn't talk to anyone!"

"Let me fucking finish, shitty Deku!" Katsuki was screaming, but the next time he spoke was in soft broken words. " I felt so fucking lost. I realized all of the shit I have done. How many people I fucking hurt, I fucking told you to kill yourself for god's sake! What if you had done that? I would have just been an asshole with blood on his hands. I didn't- no, I don't feel worthy to live. I don't have the right to be walking, to be talking to you- to be talking to anyone!. I feel so fuckin sad all the time and it hurts so much but how can I tell anyone that if I'm just the fucking delinquent!? How can I tell someone that I dream of tearing myself apart limb by limb in hopes to escape this fucking feeling?? How can I openly tell someone that when I get home I lock myself in my bedroom and slit my wrists while I think of all of the horrible things I have done, then fucking cry myself to sleep. I am not worthy to be a hero. I am not worthy to be a villain. I am not worthy to be alive. Deku, I want to die. I want to die so fucking much. I want it more than I have ever wanted anything in my life." tears ran down his face with no sign of stopping as he collapsed to his knees. Sobs wracked his body making it feel as if there was an earthquake and the epicenter was his heart.

Izuku stood stark still looking at his childhood friend, the one who was always fearlessly leading him into the forest with a grin on his face, the one who said he was going to be number one, on the floor crying his eyes out and telling him over and over with such intensity that he wanted to die.

He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to go up to him and hung him because he had no intention of becoming fireworks today. He couldn't really say anything because he was the one who started it. He was the one who called him a coward. Katsuki only said it was the cowards way out. He never directly called Izuku a coward. Izuku talked all about wanting to help him but all he did was making him start what might be a relapse.

With a gust of wind, All Might lept from atop a building and landed next to the two boys. His smile seemed a bit forced.

"You may retake the test tomorrow. Midoriya my boy, would you please give me and Bakugou some time alone? We will meet you back at the bus in a little."

Izuku only nodded and walked away, feeling off-balanced.