Ring Me Alive ✔

N I N E T E E N

I haven't heard from Matthias since before his suicide attempt.

I was horrible for the rest of the time. Mom left dad, finally getting the balls to leave that pathetic piece of rat shit. She dragged me along to Illinois for the rest of the summer, saying she had a separate place there that used to be her parents'. I was dragged miserably, however, I wasn't complaining—seeing that I could escape him.

I locked myself up inside my room for nearly a month, only leaving to eat, take a piss, and shower. Mom didn't say anything—she wasn't home nearly enough to see me. She was working her butt off while I was just laying here in a miserable pile of goo.

I kind of felt guilty, but my feelings towards her were so conflicting. I slightly resented her for not taking me away earlier, but I was grateful that she took me with her. I hated that she wasn't ever around anymore, but I felt guilty that I was making her work so hard. I was a fucking mess and I never seemed to straighten up.

I hear the door open with a quiet jangle of the house keys. I heard her shout softly into the silent house, "I'm home, George!" 

Her footsteps, although I knew she was tired, were still distinctly noticeable from my room. My door opened and I saw her for the first time in a while now. Her eyes held slight bags under them—most likely from being sleep-deprived and overworked. She seemed skinnier than when she came to the house and her body seemed to sag.

At that moment, I felt the overwhelming guilt. No matter how late she took me out of that house, she still did and I would be forever grateful for it. She saved me and took me here for safety's sake. She worked this hard so that I wouldn't have to worry. My heart tugged at the sight of my worn-down mom and I flew from under the blankets of my bed to her, wrapping my tanned arms around her frail stature.

She froze in my arms, but as she realized what I did—what i was doing—she wrapped her frail arms around my larger frame. only when she was in my hold did i realize the severity of her overworked state. she seemed so much smaller than i remembered and that guilt ate at my heart again. i just wanted her to be healthy and happy again.

why did it feel like it would never happen?

"I'm sorry, ma." 

I wanted her to hold me like she did when I was a baby. When life was good and dad didn't reconnect with those "old friends" of his.

My shirt dampened from her tears and I pulled away for a second, looking down at her face. Her lip was trembling as she uncoiled her arms and began to playfully smack me. 

I laughed as she yelled out playfully, "What do you have to be sorry for, you stupid son? Wasn't it my fault?" 

She began to cry for real and I panicked, "Ah! Ma, don't cry!" 

My arms flailed around, panicking as she proceeded to laugh while tears streamed down her face. 

"You stupid child." She pulled me into another hug, her arms finally putting some strength into them. "If you really want to make up for it, go outside for once. You've been cooped up here so long I'm sure you've turned into a cave monster."

"Yes, ma."