we don't talk together

14 - Letter

A few weeks after
Yoongi POV

I thought to myself that things will always find its way of getting better. But I was wrong. 

Tonight, I find myself curled to my old bed in the dorms all alone. The rest of the members aren't here, they surely spend the weekend in their own houses. I know I am a coward for ignoring things that have been going on, instead of facing it. But I am just tired.

Every night, every time I was away from my overseas tour and came back to our house, there will always things that turning off my mood. We keep fighting over small things, which to me, is not really worth fighting for. Just like that time in when she asked me who was the girl that picks up my phone when she called me when I didn't reach her for days. I didn't know who that person was because I fell asleep. It could be my stylist, another PD, or whoever they might be because I simply didn't know. But she seems to be not satisfied with my answer.

Or like that time when I was coming back after our Japan Tour. She welcomes me, but I could sense something different in her. She was crying. I know it because her puffy and reddish eyes were showing obviously even though she covers it with a smile. I didn't say any words about it, because she might feel uncomfortable. But I guess it was a wrong move, instead, she throws me a cold therapy and right before we went to sleep she said, "You didn't want to know why am I crying?" Bam! Another wrong move. I didn't apologize because it wasn't my fault. In the end, she cried again for me just to found out that she was crying because of her job.

I just feel like, I am trying to have a short getaway from that. So I stay the night in the dorms right after me and my boys back from Hong Kong a few hours ago. I texted her that I'm not coming home tonight because I have to work on the music with the boys and she said that it's alright. 

I feel guilty, again. She never asks twice, never doubts me. It was all just a normal tantrum she's having every time. But right now, it's getting worse. I could sense she feels insecure all the time nowadays. She was afraid. Even though we still keep our relationship as lowkey as possible, I know well that it still burdened her so much to be with me. Burdened her to hold what she actually wants to do. Burdened her to push back her desire to be a normal couple who could hold each other hands carelessly in public. You know, things like that. I pray to God she would hold a little longer. Just a bit longer.

I went to sleep.

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Y/n POV

He's not coming home tonight. But I still stay up until 1 AM just in case he would change his mind and come home. Or just to prepare my self if he suddenly calls or texts me. I guess I just miss him. 

As curiosity lingering through my mind, I decide to text Namjoon to ask him how Yoongi is doing, since I know Yoongi won't even bother to spare the time to look at his phone when he's working on music. I know that too well now.

"Hey, Joon. Sorry to bother you this late, but did Yoongi got much sleep and already taking enough food today? Because it seems like you guys might stay up all night, I just wanna know whether he's doing it with a healthy body and full tummy lol. Oh, and I hope that you guys don't push it too much." I click 'Send'.

"Hi, y/n. To my knowledge, he's sleeping so much before and even on the flights, and I am pretty sure that he ate enough today. But I am not with him currently?? I am in my parent's house so I can't check him out for you."

I read Namjoon replies with furrowed eyebrows. "Um...you didn't do music together?" And he replied instantly.

"No, all of us actually had 3 days break before our next shows."

"Oh, I see. Thank you, Namjoon!" 

"No problem, y/n."

I put my phone and thought to myself. Did he lie to me? I know that things are getting messy these days. I am working on it, hard. But I feel like every day he stray too far away from me as if he's avoiding the whole thing.

Now that this happens. I started to feel like we're killing each other slowly. It feels like we're creating the hell that we both made for each other. Every second now, I could sense that we will go down eventually. The anxiety inside me rises even higher and that scares me. I never really suffer from anxiety, but I started to feel it coming often to me ever since our first fight. These whole months, I suffered alone. I don't dare telling it to him, for I know that things will get even worse and I don't want to put another burden on him. He was already too caught up from his job.

It's getting harder, especially at night whenever I am alone with no figure of him beside me to cuddle me to sleep. Which happens, almost every day now. Knowing that he might lie to me makes me feel like crying. The feelings choke my windpipe and had me trouble breathing. My chest rumbles and my heads pounding. And yet, I am all alone. 

This...this actually happening every night, ever since our first fight. Whenever it attacks me, I would scroll through my phone and re-read again the letter from him. The letter that he wrote years ago when he left Daegu and all of me. The letter that he sent out to our local radio station, because it makes me feel better, somehow.

The Letter

Recalling my past love...
Year 3 Class 3 No. 13 Min Yoongi

Hello, I'm Min Yoon Gi who used to live in Daegu.

I'm embarrassed that I'm writing a letter to a radio that I've always listened to.  I was contemplating on what to write, and I decided to write about my past love while reading Hwang Dong Kyu's 'Enjoyable Letter'.

In the second year of high school, it might be a tender age to say that one's in love. But it was a memory that held my true feelings from those heart-aching memories.

I'm embarrassed to say but I liked a girl last year in my 2nd year of middle school. Since I'm very shy, I wasn't able to talk to her, so I remain taking distance from her until one day she borrowed my basketball when I was resting after a few practices I'm taking. At that moment, we stayed friends.

I became greedier as we got closer. I didn't want to stay a friend, so I confessed my feelings. But she said yes when I confessed I liked her.

We ended up dating but that's when the problems started. Because I was so shy, I couldn't act naturally with her now that she was my girlfriend. I didn't pay attention to her and compared to how our relationship was when we were just friends, there was a clear difference. I also felt a pang of huge guilt since I was always working part-time jobs, so I couldn't give her enough of my time. I didn't think that I am enough for her. I feel like she deserves much better than I am.

We dated for some time, but not long enough and due to these problems and some personal reasons, I called it off and left the city for another reason. I would think about everything I did wrong and how I could better myself. I also think back now about those days and wish I would've behaved differently.

If I could go back, I would treat her way better and I know I could do more for her. I would tell her I loved her and liked her proudly.

Thinking back to those days is hurtful and regretful for me. If she's hearing me speak this confessional letter I want to say the following to her.

I am very sorry for treating you that way. You must've felt so hurt when I leave like that. I personally think back and look at it as a good memory now.

Thank you for making that memory with me.

I smiled for numerous times hearing this letter being read on the radio. Now that I think back to the past, this particular letter that he wrote was the only thing that made me believe there's hope for us. That he would come back some other days and said that he's sorry and want to make it up. Thank God, it really happened. This letter, just like the old days, gave me the hope that everything will eventually get better.

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A/n: The letter above was actually the real letter yoongi has sent to his ex-lovers in real life, i only adjust some of the parts to match this story. he actually submitted it to a local radio host. (((my heart hurts)))