The Ill-mannered Door (humorous sci-fi)

11: Take Me to Your Leader

After a hearty, though disheartening, breakfast of largely unidentifiable slop, we approached the door to the captain's cabin. The cabin, as it happened, was currently occupied by the king, much to the silent chagrin of the captain.

Derek rapped upon the door until it opened and Higgins, the king's personal retainer, stood framed in the doorway.

"Yes?" Higgins asked, looking us up and down, "What do you want?"

"We're here to speak with the king on a matter of utmost importance," I said.

"Sorry, the king isn't interested in matters of utmost importance," the little man said and began to close the door.

Derek then wedged a size 12 trainer in the doorway, slapped the door resoundingly with his right hand and shoved it back open.

Higgins' eyes widened considerably as he looked up at Derek, who was a good head taller than the little retainer and was now completely abusing that fact to his own advantage.

"Higgins," Derek said. "we need to talk to him, it's a matter of life and death."

"Life and death, what do you mean?" Higgins said, staring at us with obvious suspicion.

"I mean," Derek took a step forward, grinning ear to ear, and quietly said, "if you don't let us talk to him, I'm going to squeeze your neck until it turns purple and your head pops off."

Higgins gulped and took a step back, absentmindedly rubbing his throat, but then, to his credit, stood his ground. His eyes, however, were darting from side to side as if looking for a means of escape should his brain's decision turn out to be its last.

"Higgins?" came a voice from deeper inside the cabin, "Is someone at the door?"

"Regretfully yes, Your Majesty, it's Lord Derek and he's just threatened--"

"Fabulous," the king interrupted, "send him in. Send him in, man!"

Higgins took a large step to the side while watching Derek closely.

Derek, for his part, walked briskly past him without giving him a second look.

As I passed, I gave Higgins a look that I hoped conveyed that I was sorry, and that the whole threatening him thing was all Derek's idea, and that I really didn't know Derek well at all since we had just met yesterday so I clearly wasn't responsible in any way for his rude and threatening behavior, and finally, that I respected Higgins greatly and thought that we could perhaps be fast friends, albeit under different and more pleasant circumstances.

Higgins squinted his eyes at me in what looked to be about five-eighths confusion and the remainder suspicion and then closed the door behind us.

"Derek, welcome to my royal abode!" the king was saying.

"Alright, drop the king act, Barry," Derek said, "We need to talk about Tuesday."

"How dare you speak to--" Higgins began, looking aghast, but the king said, "That will be all, Higgins."

"But, Your Majesty..."

"Close the door on your way out, Higgins."

"Yes, Your Majesty," Higgins said, quickly ducking out the door.

"Those are nice pajamas, Barry," Derek said.

"Aren't they?" the king enthused, sitting up straighter. "I just adore the little ducky print, don't you? Simply smashing."

"Where did you get them?" I asked.

"Oh, uh, well..."

"You're not from around here, are you, Barry?" Derek asked.