The Ill-mannered Door (humorous sci-fi)

19.2: God Save the Queen?

The guards herded us through the palace and then tossed us unceremoniously out the front doors and onto the palace steps.

"That went well," I commented as I tried to find a more comfortable position.

"Barry," Derek said, "I seem to recall you telling me that the whole planet was going to explode at the celebration?"

"Yes, that's what I'd heard as well," I said.

"What?" the king said, "Oh, no, that was a bit of hyperbole. It's just one nuclear bomb. Big one though. Will definitely flatten the whole kingdom and a good bit beyond that too, I expect."

"So everything isn't going to end tomorrow?" I asked, sitting up.

"Oh, well, you and everything anywhere near here will, but..." The king trailed off, staring at the harbor down below, then said, "That's odd."

"What's odd?" I asked.

"I think that's Esmi sailing out of the harbor."

"The queen is sailing out of the harbor?" Derek asked.

"No, no, Esmi."

Derek said, "All right... So, who's Esmi? I don't remember you having kids, Barry."

The king replied, "We don't. She never wanted children. The Esmerelda is her ship. She calls her Esmi."

"I think I'm missing something. What's going on?" Derek asked.

"I... hold on a moment," the king said and then turned to the doorman at the top of the steps and asked, "Clive, where has the Esmerelda gone?"

"I believe I heard some of the queen's soldiers say that they were going to the Lonely Isles to blow up a door, or maybe it was a floor, sire," the doorman said. "I'm not sure, my hearing isn't so good these days."

"What are the Lonely Isles?" I asked.

The king looked at me and said, "That's where we found you."

"Oh."

That percolated for a moment in my brain until a thought finally effervesced, "Wait, isn't that where your ship was taking Isabella?"

"Yes, but surely they left quite some time ago," the king assured me.

"But, if you don't even know when they left, doesn't that mean that Isabella could possibly be in danger of getting blown up?!" I asked, perhaps just a bit too stridently.

Derek quickly butted in with, "Barry, why are the queen's soldiers going to blow up that door?"

"How am I supposed to know? Do you think she tells me things like that? We're married, man, we barely talk at all these days, and when we do it is things like, 'Oh, look what I bought, Barry!' and, 'Does this dress make me look fat, Barry?'" the king said, shaking his head. "In any case, it's nothing to get all worked up about. I'm sure the cleaning woman will be fine."

"Fine?! Blown to a fine mist is more like it by the sound of things! We've got to do something!" I countered.

"Do?" the king asked as if that was some sort of foreign concept to him.

Derek butted in again with, "Why don't we just go down to the docks and see when, or even if, the ship left, eh?"

I was up and off in a flash, running down the road like a man chased by the hounds of hell, or at least his creditors. And believe me, I have a few of those, so I know what that is all about.

Don't you look at me like that, a good cleaning woman is hard to find! Well, all right, she wasn't actually what one could call a good cleaning woman, and maybe the whole cleaning part didn't really suit her either but never mind that. She was definitely a woman, and I couldn't let her be blown to bits!