The Ill-mannered Door (humorous sci-fi)

15: The Pit of Despair

Derek and I were led by the jailer down several corridors until we finally reached a lone door at the end of a dark and foreboding hallway. The jailer opened the door with a creak and motioned hurriedly that Derek and I should go inside the dimly lit room beyond.

Derek wisely stood his ground while I took a hesitant step forward. It was then that the smell hit me like a wallop to the face with a cricket bat, causing me to reel and stumble blindly back into the hallway.

Tears streaming from my eyes, I croaked, "Oh, what manner of inhumane torture room is this?"

"It's the privy," the jailer said.

Derek and I looked at each other in horrified silence.

"I keeps a clean dungeon and I'll not have ya relievin' yerselves in my cell. Now, which one a ya needs to go?" the jailer asked, looking first at Derek.

Derek quickly threw up his hands and took a nervous step away from the doorway saying, "No, no. I'm like a camel, or, uh... No. I'm good. Definitely good."

Unfortunately, my fate was sealed. I had the bladder of a gnat and was already starting to do what is known in some circles as the "potty dance."

The jailer couldn't help but notice, so despite my tears and pitiful cries for mercy, he gave me a firm shove into the room and slammed the door behind me.

Due to that shove, I was propelled stumbling to the edge of a dark hole in the floor which was most definitely from whence the nearly life-threatening stench emanated. I could hear something, or most likely several somethings, skittering and writhing around down in the darkness below.

While I most reluctantly did my business, I gave quiet thanks for that darkness, as I inherently knew that seeing what was down there would surely turn the episode into a complete sensory coup de grâce.

Once finished, I stumbled back to the door and began banging on it in utter desperation.

I realized that I had been holding my breath the entire time and, though my lungs were burning like a petrol-covered bonfire, I most definitely continued to hold my breath until I was once again safely on the other side of the door. Despite that, I am fairly certain that the stench creeping into my nose is what caused the sudden depilation and exfoliation of my nasal passages.

That I hadn't retched was a major miracle on the order of the parting of the Red Sea or the ten Biblical plagues that God had inflicted on Egypt. I firmly believe that at least half of those plagues were down in that privy hole, and the smell alone was easily capable of killing one's firstborn.

I was only given a scant few moments to recover before we were led back to our cell for the night. And, after a night spent chained to a wall, Derek and I were more than ready when our jailer returned on Tuesday morning to lead us away to what awaited us next.