From Hate To Lust

Chapter Seventeen

..chapter 17 following right after! :) please keeping voting and commenting, share your thoughts with me! and tell your friends about my story if ya wanna. lots of love xo

… Soon I felt Niall’s hand sneaking underneath my shirt and usually I wouldn’t stop him. It felt so good just to feel his hand against my skin and truly I wanted him so much, but right now, I couldn’t let anything happen. My hand wandered down to his as we still kissed each other passionately and I grabbed his hand, pulling it away slowly. He stopped kissing me immediately and looked at me, frowning; his face only inches from mine. I could feel his warm breath against my lips and the blue of his eyes was burning into mine.
“What’s wrong?” he asked; his voice low and husky. It almost made me rip his clothes off. I felt my face getting hot as my cheeks flushed and I stared at his chest, biting my lip.
“I can’t,” I told him and peeked up at him quickly. He frowned again and gave me a puzzled look.
“Why not?” he asked, his big blue eyes were fixed on my face but I tried to avoid them.
“Um,” I stuttered and sighed. “Girl problems, you know.”
I looked up to his face again as he didn’t say anything. He stared at me blankly, still holding himself up with his elbows on the bed, his chest and body covering mine. “Tell me you’re joking,” he said and his expression was full of hope which made me giggle.
“I’m not joking Niall, I’d be all over you if it wasn’t true.” No need to lie about this, by now Niall knew how obsessed I was with him anyway.
“Noooo,” he groaned and dropped his head, burying his face at the crook of my neck, his lips pressed against my collarbone. His breath tickled against my skin and I laughed over his reaction. “Life is not fair,” he complained, his voice muffled by my skin.
“Oh, do you really think you have the right to say that right now?” I asked, my voice sounding amused even though I actually meant that. “You don’t know how it feels like, okay, you’re not the one who’s in the position to complain.” I tugged on his hair a little and then ran my fingers through it. He groaned against my neck once more, not giving me a proper answer. We stayed like that for a few minutes and I closed my eyes, feeling this moment and taking everything in, trying to save it because I somehow felt like this wouldn’t last long. I loved this side of him, when he let me lay in his arms or when he lay in mine like he did right now. He let me stroke his hair and back and I felt his breath on my skin. It was everything I needed to be happy in this moment, and it meant a lot to me that he didn’t throw me out after I told him we couldn’t have sex. It was like a weight had been lifted off my chest and now I just concentrated on his warm body covering mine. I wished we could stay like that forever but you can’t always get what you want, right?  
“Fine,” he said after a moment and sat up. My skin felt cold when his touch was gone and I shivered slightly as I sat up as well. “I’m hungry and since I can’t have you, I need something else.” He grinned at me. “What about you?”
I nodded and smiled at him. “Yeah, I could eat something as well.”
“You could suck me off though,” he said and his eyes lit up like a six-year-olds on Christmas Day.
“You wish,” I said and rolled my eyes at him. He narrowed his in response, studying my face, before they grew wide and he pouted. I giggled and hit his shoulder. “You suck, Niall,” I told him and he sighed.
“I’d really enjoy that though,” he said, still pouting.
“Yeah, maybe later if you’ll deserve it,” I said to satisfy him and stuck my tongue out. 
“Good,” he said and nodded. “I’ll order pizza, alright?” I shook my head yes once more and he got up.
“Anything you don’t like on pizza?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Tuna,” I said and shuddered and he grinned at me.
“Alright, I’ll be back in a minute,” he told me and headed out of his bedroom, leaving the door open. I heard him speaking on the phone for a moment, naming the address and telling them what he wanted. I smiled to myself as I hugged my legs so that my knees were touching my breasts. I rested my chin on my knees and stared at Niall’s guitar that was still standing next to the bed, remembering how he had played for me earlier. I thought about how nice this day was; he was being so sweet. I felt happy today, he was really making up for everything he had done. But I felt like there was more to it, somehow it just seemed natural; he didn’t seem to be annoyed or to force himself to be nice to me. He seemed to be himself for once, and I wished he’d be like this more often. He made me feel like he cared for me. I wanted him to treat me like this every day but I doubted he would and that made me sad. He could be all sweet and nice and in the next moment he’d be an asshole again. I guess I just had to enjoy this moment while it was still lasting.

Niall and I waited for the pizza for around half an hour, sitting in his bed. He played some more songs on the guitar and I really enjoyed listening to his voice. I still couldn’t believe how good he was at singing and playing the guitar. But his fingers moved across the strings effortlessly, creating beautiful melodies and his voice matched the guitar perfectly fine. I could listen to him all day long and watch his face, how he closed his eyes while singing higher notes, how he’d look down at his hands sometimes and then take a quick glance at my face, giving me a smile.
To be honest, it bothered me when the doorbell rang, telling us that the pizza was here, because I would’ve loved to stay like this for ages. However, Niall jumped off the bed faster than I could say the word dick and rushed through the door to get the pizza. He seemed to be really hungry and once he came back to his room, he dropped the carton onto the bed and sat down in front of it cross legged.
Niall almost ate three quarters of that huge pizza he had ordered, but I didn’t mind. I was full after some slices and just like that time he had taken me out for dinner, I wondered how he could possibly eat that much without getting sick. I knew that I’d get sick with so much pizza in my tummy.
Once he had eaten the last piece, he kicked the empty carton off the bed and laid back against his bedpost again, rubbing his tummy. He sighed and closed his eyes.
“I could take a nap,” he muttered, sounding very sleepy indeed. He spread his arms out and yawned and I leaned back quickly, my head lying against his shoulder and biceps. He chuckled and wrapped that arm around me, like I had hoped he would. I noticed my stomach tingle as he did and I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent quietly. I listened to his calm breathing and when I couldn’t stand not hugging him any longer; I rolled to my side and wrapped one of my arms around his body while burying my face in his shirt. He smelled so good and I loved having him close to me. I felt save like this, with his arm wrapped around me and mine around him.
My thoughts wandered back to the whole my girlfriend thing and I wanted to punch myself in the face for this. I couldn’t help it though – as I was lying so close to him, I wondered which girl used to get this whenever she had wanted to… I wondered if he had truly loved her and whether or not he’d been all lovey-dovey with her. Did they walk around, holding hands and kissing? Why did they break up? Had she been his first?
I felt my insides turn as I thought about Niall being inexperienced and cute, without his small chest hair and beard, with an actual girlfriend who he cared about.
I couldn’t stand all of my thoughts and felt my heart hammer against my rib cage as I became aware of how deeply in love I was with him, once again. I wanted to cry, even though it felt so good to lie in his arms. I just knew that it could never mean as much to him as it meant to me. He wasn’t that person, right?
“Niall,” I whispered after my thoughts kept running wild for another few minutes. I stared at his arm and I slowly rubbed circles on his skin, before tracing the outlines of his biceps with my fingertips.
“Mhhmm,” he muttered and his chest vibrated softly with my head lying on top of it.
“Can I ask you something?” I mumbled shyly and kept playing around with his arm.
“I guess so,” he said, his voice still low and sleepy.
I took a deep breath and wrapped my hand around his biceps, as I kept rubbing my thumb across his skin nervously.
“What did happen back then?” I whispered and closed my eyes, hoping he wouldn’t get too upset. He didn’t say anything but I felt his body tense up. He knew what I meant; I was sure by judging his reaction. Still I decided to give it another try, willing to get something out of him because all of this was killing me, I was dying to know more. “With your girlfriend, I mean,” I added, my voice barely audible.
He dropped his arm slowly and I pushed myself up on my elbow, one of my arms still around him and my hand still wrapped around his arm. I looked at his face, studying it carefully. His jaw was clenched and his expression was annoyed, or maybe angry… I wasn’t sure. His eyes were open now and he didn’t look tired anymore. The expression in his eyes was cold as stone and I almost regretted asking him. But I just wanted to know.
“Hey,” I said and rubbed his skin again. His eyes met mine and he just stared at me. “You can trust me, Niall,” I whispered and I hoped the look in my eyes wouldn’t give too many of my feelings for him away.
“She’s a slut,” he said at last, his voice sounding as cold as the look in his eyes. The expression on his face didn’t change and I just kept looking at him, waiting for him to continue. My heart was beating faster than I thought was healthy, and I felt nervous.
“I was sixteen and I was into her, she was older than me. We started dating and it felt good. I took her on dates and the usual stuff. I really liked her and I thought she liked me too, when in fact she didn’t. Everyone but me knew she was just leading me on, enjoying to get attention by younger guys.” His face was disgusted as he said the next sentence. “She loved to fuck cherries; I bet she’s a maniac.” He closed his eyes and I lifted my hand up to his face, stroking some of his hair from his forehead, feeling the need to take care of him.
“Anyways I didn’t know and after we fucked I found out I wasn’t the only one she was doing.” He took a deep breath.
“And I realized she was making fun of me for sucking and being…” He swallowed. “ugly. Or at least not good enough. With my teeth and haircut and everything.” I was hurt by his words even though they didn’t affect me at all, I was hurt because some slut was the reason he was so fucked up. Because someone had ever called him ‘ugly or at least not good enough’ and had made him feel bad. I strongly doubted that Niall had ever been ugly. He had such a perfect face, how could he be ugly with another haircut or teeth? He was perfect to me and I wanted to protect him from his past, even though no one could do that.
“I messed up school then, and I my only chance was basketball. I got more into music and basketball then; I went to the dentist and finally got braces. I cut my hair and bleached it even more. When I concentrated on basketball more and more, working out every day, my body got better. I left Ireland for good, leaving my old life behind. My parents are disappointed and so are the people I used to call my best friends.” I kept stroking his hair slowly, happy that he was finally opening up to me and telling me all of this.
“I started all over. I was doing some fucked up shit when I first came here and that’s where I met Harry. He was my first friend here and he helped me out. He introduced me to his friends, Louis and Liam and they all became my friends. One rough night after some fight we got into, I was walking home alone and met Zayn. He was pretty fucked up himself back then but I we talked and I helped him out, he joined me and the lads.” He smiled a bit as he told me about his boys and I saw just by the look in his eyes that he truly cared about them.
“They all helped me to get where I am now. During the nights out with them I fucked many girls, we drank loads of alcohol, they helped me practice basketball and supported me when I got the safe spot in the team and Jayden,” my eyes grew wide as he mentioned the name, “yeah, that’s right,” he said with a weird look in his eyes. “That sucker, God, I hate that guy, I’m getting sick when I think about the fact that he ever got to touch you, ugh.” He shivered and my hand froze, tangled in his hair as I stared at him in shock. What had happened between them before me?
“–Jayden was trying to get me out of there, saying how he didn’t like our clique and how I he didn’t want to have me there. That bastard. He hadn’t even seen me play once, and I had never seen him play either. We never actually talked; he just didn’t want me there. Later Zayn told me that he had some issues with Jayden before. I don’t exactly know what it was to be honest, about some chick probably. But who cares. I impressed everyone at college and my talent was the most important thing for me to actually have a chance here so I didn’t give up and Jayden left the team.”
“Oh my God,” I muttered, still in shocked and stared at him. “You, what? Oh my, I can’t believe it, is that what really happened, Niall?” I stuttered and stared at him blankly.
“I’m telling the truth, of course I do. He just sucks, baby, that’s it.” He winked at me.
“He always told me how he used to play in high school but didn’t want to enter the college team because of you…” I whispered and stared at Niall’s face in front of me. He laughed, but it sounded cold, not amused at all.
“Classy, lying to his girlfriend. And of course, I’m the bad guy. Wow.”
“I’m… I… ugh, how? I’m confused,” I muttered and he wrapped his arm around me again, slowly rubbing my shoulder.
“Well, I got rid of him for you,” he said gently and smiled at me.
“Wait, but did you only do that to hurt him…? Stealing me from him because you knew he was in love with me..?” I bit my lips and his expression was serious. I thought about all the dramatic love stories where they guy only started talking to the girl because he wanted to kick another guy’s ass.
“Yeah, he just didn’t deserve you, I told you he wasn’t good enough for you and I wanted you to break up. But I didn’t know you were with him when I came to you that night in the club and first talked to you. I didn’t care about Jayden once he had gotten out of my way, I never talked to him and neither did he try to talk to me. We just ignored each other and he knew that if he ever tried to mess with me, I’d have my boys to beat him up, so he never did anything, and I didn’t care enough to make his life living hell, so I left him alone. Until I noticed you. I just wanted you and there he was in my way once again. Simple as that.” I stared at him blankly, trying hard to process everything he had just told me.    
“Anyway, to get back to the story,” he said and he immediately had my attention again.
“I’m a different person since I’m here, I look good, I’m good at everything, I have it all. Everyone wants me, all the girls are drooling over me and the guys are jealous and want to be my friend. I’ve got everything I didn’t have when I was younger.” He sighed and I stared at him, my mind was blank. I didn’t know what to say.
“Last year, just before the summer break, my braces came off at last and I went home to Ireland, visiting my parents. But I had a thing to do there, which I did: I fucked that bitch’s brain out; I’ll never forget how she was screaming my name and begging me for more.” He snorted.
“Couldn’t believe it was me, the ‘ugly’ Niall who apparently wasn’t good in bed and didn’t have teeth straight enough to be considered as handsome, when she saw me.  Got her drooling all over me, I made her beg me to fuck her and once I was done with her, she kept begging. But fuck that, I just did it to show her she was wrong. That fucking slut didn’t think I was good enough for her, but let me tell you something,” his cheeks were flushed and he looked angry again, the words leaving his mouth really fast, “she’s ugly compared to all those chicks I did. Why would I fuck an ugly horny bitch, when I can have all the good ones, huh? I’m disgusted with that bitch but it’s good, I don’t care anymore. Not about her, I was over her once I left Ireland and realized how many girls there were in the world that were just waiting for me to do them. And I don’t care about anyone, I don’t need no one, you see. It’s all good, I don’t have any problems no more, I’m feeling good, I have everything I need and I’m happy like this. So basically I’m not good with relationships because I never had a real one, a normal one. But I’m good at fucking girls, you know that, why am I even telling you,” he laughed, “my life is good.”
That last part broke my heart. I knew he wasn’t saying this to hurt me, but he just told me again, that in fact he didn’t care about me. It hurt me so much more than it should but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling what I felt. The only hope left inside of me in this moment was everything he had just told me. He trusted me. He wouldn’t tell any random person about this, I knew that. He had shown me the most vulnerable sides of him, he had told me about the things that hurt him and now I knew why he was so fucked up. And other than this, he was lying. He did care. He cared about Zayn, Harry, Louis and Liam. I knew it, I saw it in his eyes; they meant so much to him. Besides, the way he looked at me sometimes made me feel like there was more. Like he cared about me. Why would he fuck me again and again if he didn’t feel anything. Why would he tell me all of this when he didn’t care at all. I was sure that there was something and I would cling to that, I wouldn’t let go of my hope. He was fucked up and I wanted to fix him.
“You’re wrong,” I said and he raised one of his eyebrows, looking at me questioningly.
“Niall,” I said and stroked his cheek. “You care, just let it in,” I whispered and he looked into my eyes for what seemed like hours.
His jaw clenched, not for the first time today, and he shook his head. “No,” he said stubbornly, like a child.
“You do,” I said and looked at him intensely. “Everyone cares, Niall, and so do you and you don’t have to be afraid because it’s all fine.”
“Ugh,” he grunted and sat up, shoving me off. “You should leave,” he said and looked into my eyes; they were cold and emotionless again. He was shutting me out and I felt helpless. I knew he cared; he wouldn’t treat me like he had all day long if he didn’t care. He wouldn’t have told me the things he had told me when he had been drunk. He wouldn’t have apologized for being rude to me and he wouldn’t have told me that he was sorry and hadn’t meant to hurt me.
He cared but he didn’t let himself care. He didn’t admit it.
“Niall,” I whispered. “Don’t.”
“Please, just leave me alone,” he said and looked at me with a serious expression. I nodded and got up, knowing that my feelings would overwhelm me soon. I grabbed my bag from the floor and I felt his eyes on me.
“Just think about my words,” I said; my voice shaky and I was sure that he saw how hurt I was as he sent me away. I couldn’t hide it and as I felt the tears build up, I turned around and left his house. Just like the last time I had been here, the tears fell down my cheeks as soon as I had closed the door behind me.