From Hate To Lust

Chapter Nineteen

thank you so much for your comments and votes! keep it up please :) it's really nice to read what you think! updating again, so you don't have to wait any longer until you find out what caity does next.. :) love you xo

That Friday night was horrible for me. I was restless, tossing and turning around in my bed and not able to find sleep. My bed was warm but still I felt so cold. I pulled the blanket tighter around my trembling body, trying to warm up – but in the end the trembling never stopped. I closed my eyes for what felt like a million times, just to have the picture of Niall and that hoe popping up in front of my closed eyelids, making my eyes fly open in an instant. I stared at random things in my room, waiting for sleep to overwhelm me somehow, but it didn’t happen for the longest time. As I slowly sobered up, my sickness started to ease to my relief but I felt my head aching more and more with my eyes burning and hurting from tiredness.

I felt helpless and it felt like this night would last forever, like the next morning would never come. Warm tears of exhaustion, despair and not to forget disappointment kept rolling down my cheeks every few minutes, and I just couldn’t hold them back. I tried so hard to fall asleep – it was the typical situation: you try too hard to succeed. The more you think about how tired you are and how much you need your sleep and rest, the more far away from falling asleep you get and your brains keeps pushing unpleasant thoughts in. I hated this.

It was only when I could see the sky lightening up outside of my window through the curtains, that the tears stopped and I fell into an unsteady sleep. I was still restless in my sleep, with pictures of the previous night haunting me in my wild and confusing dreams. I woke up several times, tossing around in my bed but I was too tired to fully wake up.

I finally awoke at midday, with a terrible headache but also with a set plan for this and the following days. I didn’t know where this thought came from but I woke up, knowing that I’d go home today and ditch college for a couple of days after the weekend. I couldn’t stand being here, being alone. And this is exactly what I’d be if I stayed. I had lost Jayden, the few shallow friends, if you want to call them that, and Niall. Well, it’s not like I’ve had Niall. But I did spend my time with him, and only him, in the past weeks. I still wondered how all of this had happened so quick. Why did Niall come into my life and destroy it in the first place? I couldn’t say I didn’t enjoy the time with Niall, or at least most of it, because it was obvious since I fell for him. But in the end he just hurt me and kind of ruined my life. I felt lonelier than ever and I knew I would only cry if I stayed in college. I needed to get out.

I called my parents and told them I’ve had a strong headache and felt weak for some days now, so I wanted to take a break and come home. Of course they were happy to hear that I’d be coming home today but they were also worried about me instantly, and I almost regretted lying about why exactly I couldn’t stay here, but I could never tell them the whole story. We didn’t have this open relationship where you talk about your little flirts and sex relationships, no way. My parents were rather prude and I would never admit that I let a guy fuck me whenever he wanted, even though he didn’t treat me too well. There was no way in hell they’d get to know about Niall and I’s weird relationship. They wouldn’t even know he existed. To be fair – they didn’t even know about Jayden and me and we had dated for quite a long time. It was just an uncomfortable topic with my parents and they knew about my few high school boyfriends or crushes but since I was in college they didn’t know anything about my love life. I enjoyed not living at home for that reason. No awkward conversations about boyfriends and such.

I always envied Mel’s relationship with her parents. Mel, or Melanie actually, was my best friend. I missed her like crazy, every day. I missed talking to her and I would need her with me so bad, especially now, to get advice on the whole Niall thing. We didn’t talk since that night I had called her just before the party. It seemed like it was ages ago, another lifetime. She had send me some texts, asking how it was going and so on but I never actually got to tell her everything. I would tell her everything about him once I was back home, I just needed a girls night like we used to have.