After about fifteen minutes of driving and Vic nagging at me to tell him where we were going, I finally turned onto the familiar dirt road. It took an additional five minutes for us to reach our actual destination, which was the lake right outside of Rosewood. I killed the engine and got out, assuming Vic was going to follow me, and he did. I led Vic down and sat down in the dirt by the water. He sat down beside me.
"How do you know this place?" He asked out of genuine curiosity. He started messing with some rocks, subconsciously it seemed. It dawned on me that Vic was the type of person that had to be doing something constantly. I stared at the moving water, contemplating whether or not to answer truthfully. The real reason was really personal, and I wasn't sure if I trusted him enough to put it on him. But then again, who cares? It was something that happened in the past. I can't change it, so why hide it? I took in a deep breathe before I started my explaining.
"Well, I used to come here a lot as a kid. Some of the time with my old best friend Matty, and some of the time by myself. It depended on the situation, really. My life at home wasn't the best. My parents were constantly arguing. They always tried to wait until I was asleep, but sometimes they just couldn't resist. My mom always encouraged me to leave the house if they started fighting. I hated my parents, really. Matty was the only person that was there for me, and I loved him for it. He showed me this place, and it's where I ran to when they were fighting." I paused, silently debating on whether I should continue with the story. Vic already looked like he felt sorry for me, and I didn't like it. But at the same time, it felt kind of good getting this off my chest and actually telling someone, so I continued.
"Matty and I were here on Christmas Eve one year. We were ten, and naive. Matty loved living his life to the fullest, even at a young age. At the time, the lake was completely frozen. Matty tried to get me to walk across it with him, but I wouldn't. I was too scared. I remember him rolling his eyes at me before running on the ice, jumping on it daringly. He was smiling, too. I was sitting there scared out of my mind, and he was smiling. Until the ice broke." I stopped talking because my words got caught in my throat. I hadn't brought this up ever, and I haven't been back here since it happened. Vic's facial expression told me that he understood what happened next, and that I didn't need to continue, so I didn't. Instead I focused my attention on the pile of rocks he had made.
"Kellin...I'm sorry. That's really--"
"Don't," I cut him off, "Don't do the sympathy bullshit. Being sorry isn't going to change anything, okay? Matty died. He's still dead, and he always will be. God, I don't know why people seem to think that saying 'I'm sorry' suddenly makes everything great." I snapped bitterly. He opened his mouth to talk, but closed it again. We sat in silence for a few minutes, but I didn't really mind. I was used to the silence. Plus, it gave me the peace to think.
I never realized until today, but Matty really was my everything. He was the only thing I actually cared for. But it's really hard to care when your parents are constantly fighting, shooing you out of the house, or yelling at you for the most bizarre reasons. Matty was there through everything, and his death literally triggered the emotionless asshole I had buried inside of myself. To this day, I don't really know what sparked my fascination with killing people. Most of me thinks it was the anger from Matty's death. I mean, he was just gone within seconds. Ripped away from me forever, leaving me with nothing. It didn't make sense, honestly. My best friend gets killed in a tragic accident and I grow up to murder people. He wouldn't want this life for me. He would want me to strive for what I deserve, not settle for what I don't. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples to sooth the forming headache. I opened my eyes when I felt a hand on my knee. I looked at Vic with questioning eyes.
"I understand that saying 'I'm sorry' doesn't change a thing. I know that. But it's more than a sympathy line, Kellin. It's what people say when they have too much to say, but they want to keep things simple. It's what people say when they ache to understand exactly how you're feeling, but of course they can't. Only you can feel what you feel. I'm not giving you sympathy, Kellin. I'm trying to understand." Vic said, meeting my eyes. The intensity of his words left an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. How was I supposed to respond to that? And not only did it leave an unsettling feeling, it added to the guilt. He was so eager to understand. We may not know each other well, but he makes it feel like we've been best friends for years.
He didn't deserve what I had done. I had killed his brother without a single thought on how it would effect him, and the guilt was going to continue to pester me. I needed to just get out of Vic's life. It would save him a lot of trouble. Plus, if he knew everything I had done...he wouldn't want a thing to do with me. And I don't blame him one bit.
I decided then that I needed to get a job. Sure I already needed one, but that was different. Now it was more urgent. After I get a decent job, I'll move out of Vic's house, and his life. He wont ever have to worry about me messing things up for him any worse than I already had.
