Vulnerable

Eight- Rye

I lay in bed, I lay there awake for hours. What can I do.  I can't turn my feelings off. Now... I'm not even sure that I want to turn them off.

It's only one family member, I knew my mother would be there. And if I needed it I could stay at Robbie's place. But still the overwhelming feeling of shame still rushed over me. If I am attracted to Andy. I am not a Beaumont in my fathers eyes, I will never be able to be again. The feeling I felt when I stepped into the home would be the reality. I wouldn't be welcome. I would be a stranger or a guest.

I tossed and turned under the covers of my bed.  I could not sleep. Argh! I slammed my head into my pillow and lay there. Hours passed and I fell into a deep and dream-ridden sleep.

{dream}
I stood in the middle of the school yard and looked around. Everyone was looking at me, but not with disgust, with pride. I didn't understand until I looked down and saw a small hand slide into my own. I turned to look at the owner of the hand and two, beautiful deep blue eyes blinked up at me. I in turn smiled down at him. We held hands and walked. It was normal.  People did stare, but more with love than disgust. And I could see the love in his eyes too. It was like we were in a little ball of our own happiness.

A door then appeared in front of me, I opened it and walked through, only to be surrounded by vicious and cruel faces. Laughing and snarling as they pointed accusing fingers at me. Getting closer they began to kick me, I curled up into a ball and yelled to them to stop. But the eerie noise never ceased and I woke up screaming.

{end of dream}

I woke up covered in a sheen of sweat. I wanted the first half of that so badly, but it was a dream. That is all it would ever be because I know that the second part would be the reality. The pointing, accusing fingers, the kicking. The hate.

I cannot let myself fall for this boy, I cannot look at him and want him, all it would bring me would be shame and make me even more of a failure. I couldn't cope with that. I could not let everyone down by being gay.

There was also the issue of Harvey. What he may do to me if he found out. The reason I was in that damn friendship group was to be cruel to gays. How would he react to one of his 'boys' not being so straight after all.

I don't think I can do this.

I decided there was no way I was going into school that day. I rolled over and grabbed my phone to message the boys.

Me- hey guys, not feeling that well. Think I'm gonna stay at home. 🤧

I didn't wait for their questioning replies. I knew they wouldn't believe me, I didn't care, if I saw him today all the walls I had spent my time building up around myself would crumble and fall around me. It would make me weak, I cannot be weak, I must be strong.

I jumped out of bed and ran into the shower, the hot water was relaxing as it ran down my back, but not relaxing enough. Shakily I took my razor from the shelf and drew it over my wrists, carefully counting two on each. I don't allow myself to exceed the strokes I do to myself. I don't want to die... I want the relief created by the pain. I saw the blood bead on the slits I had made, and watched as they slid away, mingles with the water. I have no idea how long I was standing there, and the fact I was still thinking about him made me feel so weak. Like I couldn't escape him no matter what I did.

When I felt ready, I got out and wiped the condensation from the mirror, without realising I must have been crying too. My eyes were puffy and red. There was no way I was leaving my room today.

'This is what he does to you, so why do you want him so much' I thought to myself. How could I want to be with him, when with him I couldn't control myself or my emotions. I wasn't ready for that.

I flopped onto my bed and buried my head in my pillow, attempting to distract myself by thinking of football training and other things. But I couldn't. He was constantly on my mind.

"I am not GAY" I screamed, throwing the glass on my bedside table at the wall, before crumpling in defeat at the end of my bed.

"I'm not gay" I whispered to the empty silence. Trying to reassure myself, knowing it wouldn't work.

He had gotten under my skin, and there was no way of getting him out again.

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