Twisted immortality

XIV - Long goodbye

Without saying anything, Anurak took Songkarn's hand and just walked out of the restaurant to the La Casa hotel. Probably because it was so close, why else? Songkarn didn't bother to ask.

The front desk reacted to the card Anurak provided as if they were returned to their nonsensical childhoods, into blubbering foolish kids. But Songkarn almost missed it all. He had eyes only for Anurak. Who still held onto his hand and looked at him at every moment he didn't have to talk with anyone else, almost not looking away even then.

When they got into the elevator and Anurak refused the attendant to accompany them. He pressed the highest floor's number and as the elevator doors closed, he pushed Songkarn against the back of it. He didn't kiss him. But he touched him. He brushed his hands over him. Everywhere his hands connected with Songkarn it got hot, almost until like being burned.

Songkarn thought he was going crazy. It was so hot, so sensual and so different from anything he had ever figured he would feel. Not like he was an innocent virgin. It just felt so different from a person you loved and wanted at the same time. Now he understood why people say that you need to do it with the person you love. Sex itself wasn't as great without these kinds of feelings.

'Oh god.' He thought he would lose his mind. And then they were moving again. Songkarn was so excited, so turned on and so much afraid. Not just that he had never been with a man. He was afraid to be together with Anurak. Was it even possible? But then it wasn't even important. Only a moment later they were inside the room and Anurak finally had his lips on Songkarn's.

'Oh My God!' Songkarn could not have imagined this. This feeling. He couldn't get enough of it. As they tasted each other and got into the frenzy of burning sexual desire. Songkarn could care less about the pain, the possible coming soreness. Not thinking, what was waiting for him. Anurak and his need for him was the only important thing.

*

The airport wasn't exactly deserted, but it was quite empty. Songkarn was waiting for his flight when he stood beside a window looking out. The outside looked deserted as well. Nighttime had such weird powers. It was so dark outside and the lone airplane on the runway with its blinking lights, ready for takeoff. Seemed just as alone in his hurry to get away as Songkarn felt inside. A single tear escaped from under his eyelid as he closed them. Would he be alone forever? His forever wasn't even that much, now that he thought of it. But Songkarn wasn't sure if he was playing any role in the bigger picture of Anurak's life. He only knew that the man he left sleeping in the hotel room was the love of his life. Whatever small or big part he had played or will play in his life, he wanted to let Anurak decide. For himself. Whether or not they really did or didn't have a future together.

When Songkarn stepped on the plane and made himself comfortable in all his lonesome. He tried to convince himself of the rightness of his choice and that he would not regret it.

It took some time to get used to the silence he got as a reward. Or if he admitted, there was no 'used to,' he was starting to think there was never going to be any of that. It once again got to the point where Songkarn didn't remember how to sleep anymore. The decision he had taken, he knew they had been the right ones. But he could not keep his promise. He did regret it. Badly. But as awful as he felt, Songkarn knew he could not decide instead of that other person. Everyone had to make decisions in their life based on themselves first and only then can they take into account others.

Those few weeks with Anurak were everything to him. He knew it didn't make any sense but it was his little sappy love story. Where the guy you fell in love with at first sight, dies too quickly for the love to even really be believable. And the one left behind pines after the loved one for years. It felt this intense, this insane for him. He was in this situation. And he didn't see any way out of it. Especially, maybe because his love had not died. He could not die. Somehow it felt even more burdensome like this. Burdened by the truth that Anurak was somewhere alive. Just not missing him as much as Songkarn was missing him. Because in Songkarn's mind he felt that if he would have been missing him in the same way as he did, Anurak would have come back already.