Twisted immortality

XXVIII - Being

'Is he really already out of it now?'

Songkarn felt his tears flowing. How the hell could he do this!?

'No, I can't think like this. This is something we both decided to do. I can't back out of the hardest decisions of my life just because I feel bad. This is the most important decision of Anurak's life. And all my decisions are based on him. I need to do this because he needs this. He deserves it, tenfolds.'

When Lucas asked Songkarn a week before if he was really able to handle this, he had told him the same thing.

"I can do it. Because this is what he needs me to do."

After that, they had not had a chance to talk. Lucas gave Songkarn all the necessary things. It was hard to not think of them as they were at his reach now.

He watched everywhere else including these horrible things, but not Anurak's face. The blade that was concealed within its hermetically closed bag. The empty syringe which Anurak had emptied into his vein himself.

Knowing fully how horrified and sad Songkarn felt. Until the end, he thought of one or another way he could do it all without him.

At one point Songkarn had finally taken into consideration Anurak's feelings of anxiety and went to sit by his side. Trying so hard not to cry as his husband of few months was slowly drifting to deep sleep.

They didn't talk through the whole process. Having said all and every possible combination of words one can think ahead of this kind of event. So, Songkarn only held him. Kissed him a couple of times on his forehead. And then he couldn't feel him anymore. Anurak barely breathed. So strong was the amount of morphine he had injected himself with. He did try to make everything as easy for Songkarn as humanly possible.

Songkarn slipped out of the bed. Away from him and fell onto his knees to the floor. He cried so hard that his whole body was trembling.

'No! I have to do this.' Before he lost his composure for real, Songkarn wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Trying to slow his breathing.

As he took the blade into his hand, Songkarn found strength. This wasn't storytime anymore. This was a responsibility he had taken on himself. To help his husband live. To end his life as he wished it to end. Songkarn guessed he was the grim reaper of Anurak's life.

Just as Lucas had taught it to him, Songkarn placed the knife in an angle and with one last deep breath pushed the blade between his ribs. Straight to Anurak's heart.

The blood started seeping out of him with a terrible rush. I wanted to look at his face to make sure that there was no reaction. I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose it yet.

I reminded myself. I still needed to pull the blade out. Because Anurak and Lucas had been adamant that a healthy human heart could work overtime around the blade for days before the person dies. Also because of Anurak's healing abilities, he could possibly be able to heal himself if he didn't die quickly enough. So, as he had been instructed, Songkarn pulled himself together and pulled the slippery scalpel out of Anurak's body. The amount of blood that came out was horrifying.

Songkarn felt himself tear his eyes from the wound and the blood that was gathering around them. He dropped the scalpel and hurried to take his loved ones dying body into his last embrace. Now Songkarn couldn't hold onto the avalanche of emotions any longer. So let go. All of his hidden fears, the horrifying act of his. Anurak's silent leaving. Songkarn knew his love was going and he wanted to fight against it with all his might. But he knew he would do nothing. Anurak had chosen this. In a way, Songkarn had taken the choice of not doing anything against this from the first moment he had met Anurak.