I'm into Insomniacs (discontinued)

Don't Swallow

 I turned to my left, watching as Candy's small body grew smaller still, appreciating the tacky exterior of the gift shop's reptilian design. She had entered without even a glance past her shoulder, unaware of my feet planted firmly fifteen yards away.

"I'm surprised, seeing Candy of all people so excited over a bunch of reptiles. You'd think she saw them as hand bags or something." My back was turned to Paz, though I was certain she had heard my comment and I had hoped she would laugh again. She didn't.

Instead, she remained silent as I did likewise, refusing to meet her gaze. Pacifica was a very forgiving girl, and I'd be hard pressed to find someone so willing to put up with every little thing the way she did.

Perhaps the forgiveness was beginning to stretch too thin. A moment more and the meaning behind her silence became apparent. She didn't want me to ease into the topic. She didn't want me to dance around it before I could work up the nerve to explain myself.

She wanted me to dive in head first.

"I don't love her." My head tilted down, hands in either pocket as I listened for her response. When I received none, I took it as encouragement to capitalize on my statement.

"It was never my desire to date her. It was just-... circumstances. Something my grunkle Stan cooked up, and I'm sure that sounds far fetched but it's true." I turned slowly, working myself up to finally face her. When I met her gaze, she seemed indifferent. Fed up. I grew nervous.

"If I had a choice, I'd break up with her. But it's not as easy as it seems! She's- possessive. Every time I bring the topic up, she finds some way of twirling me around. I'm never sure what she'll pull to keep this whole ordeal going!"

Hands began to fly, my words seemingly controlling the jerky motions of my arms and wrists to emphasize the sincerity of my speech. I was vaguely aware of my fingers flexing and the occasional tossing up of my palms to exaggerate the frustration of it all.

"She has no consideration for how I feel!" Pacifica's expression remained neutral, arms crossed as she listened, seemingly out of boredom. I accepted the punishment, continuing my speech in hopes of saying something that would catch her interest.

"I'm seriously just so sorry I never came to tell you!" My voice began to waver, my hands fluttering to the sides of my head as they appeared to shake, only to ball up in frustration and snap back down into place.

I was losing my composure, fretting over whether or not the words would be enough to redeem myself, even as they passed my lips. I quickly picked apart every vowel and phrase and deemed them not enough, causing me to flow over with yet another set of excuses.

"I just- I was scared, okay?! I-... I thought-..." I began to trail off, noticing the emptiness of it all. My words. They felt so empty. They didn't sound like what I wanted to say. No, those weren't the points I was trying to make. This wasn't the sincerity I was looking for. This wasn't what I was trying to get across to her.

There was something much more intimate, something I could hardly hear over the clustered mesh of swirling excuses and apologize, whispering to me. My mouth continued to move, catching and releasing every phrase that snagged my brain's net, while I myself tried to focus on those little words. The ones I could never phrase right.

'Please don't leave me...' The words went. My chest hitched. 'Please don't leave me...' I tried to get my lips to slow down, to release the thought. But another set of words rushed out of me, pushing the phrase farther back. To the back of my throat. Where I'd have to swallow them.

'Please don't leave me...' I'm not sure what I said in place of it, but Pacifica only seemed to grow more irritated with my rambling. She began to examine the tips of her hair.

'Please don't leave me...' I felt the words, weak and quiet as they were, slide farther and farther back over my tongue. I wished to take my hand and shoot it into my mouth, if not to grab them and pull the words out manually, only for my fingers to work on their own. They continued to emphasize the statements I was unable to control.

'Please...' Perhaps it was disgust I saw on her face. Perhaps it was annoyance. What could I have possibly been saying to make her so frustrated with me? '...don... leave me...' I began to panic, noticing the phrase slowly decompose as it sank farther and farther still.

'Ple...'t leave m...' I forced myself to maintain eye contact all the while, hoping her presence would spark something in me. Something that was stronger than my own inability to admit when I felt lonely or hurt or disturbed. Something that would force me ahead in life, the motivation to speak my mind powerful and potent. Something that could pull these damn words out of my mouth.

'Plea...' I swallowed them. And, as I did, I felt my jaw begin to ache, relaxing as my thoughts went from a heavy flow to a soft trickle. My lips slowed, my tongue flattening out against the floor of my mouth.