Faded

Chapter One

| Tris|

"Are you positively sure you want to go back to the city, Tris?" Amanda asks, anxiously twisting a lock of her silvery-blonde hair in between her fingers.

I sigh and replay for possibly the hundredth time, "I'll be fine, 'Manda. I rarely have random black-outs or panic attacks anymore, and the nightmares aren't as frequent either."

"Besides," I add softly, "I want to feel sane again. I need to. I need to know that I can still take care of myself, that I still have a home. And I need to know they're all okay."

"I'm sorry, I'm just worried about you. You've been through so much the past few years..." Amanda trails off, wringing her hands.

The silent that follows covers us like a blanket, making the air in the usual welcoming office dark and heavy.

I look out the glass-wall of Amanda's office, which lets in natural sunlight into the room  instead of using the harsh florescent light, and down at the streets below. People hurries by, trying to get to their job on time. Cars drives by. The trees lining the curb are in full green leaves, indicating that summer is here and at it's peak. I had spent so much time away from the outside world, I had started to wonder if it even exist anymore.

Amanda's office is spare, but comfortable. A painting of a beautiful sunset, painted no doubt by herself, hangs behind her mahogany desk, which is cluttered with paperwork and files and a computer. Several filing cabinets lined the wall, and a coffee table and couch, which I'm currently sitting on, are in front of the desk.

The past few years..... I shiver slightly, and push the dark memories that demands to be acknowledged further down my mind.

Amanda clears her throat. "Well, then. Here is all the identification and residency paper you're gonna need when you went inside Chicago," she says, handing me a blue folder. "Oh, your new identity will go in the name as Beatrice Shailene Woodley. I hope you don't mind."

"Isn't that the name of the actress you keep on talking about?" I ask, raising one eyebrow at her.

"Well.... you do look like her on some level, and that's the only thing I can come up with." Amanda looks embarrassed. "I'll come to the city in a week or two, after I'm finished with this marketing stuff. You packed yet?"

"Yes."

"You'll be leaving tomorrow morning."

"Amanda, thank you for doing this for me. I don't know where I'll be right now without your help."

Amanda smiles warmly. "Least I can do."

I pause for a moment, then ask the question I'm not sure I want the answer to. "Do you think he-" my voice crack for a second, "he will remember me?"

"I... I don't really know Tris. At the time the target-specific memory serum is produced, they only have time to observed the short-term effects. We know nothing about how this will affect the victim in the long run."

I know quickly, knowing this is the answer all along.

"But," Amanda cuts in, "They might gain back their memories over time, for the specific-memory serum works by suppressing the function of  some of the neurons in the section of the brain that stores memories. That's not going to last forever. "

"Is it possible to produce a serum that reverse the effect of the target-specific memory serum? Or at least make the process of getting back the memories faster?" I ask, biting my lip.

"I can try," Kathleen offers. "But I doubt you want me stick a needle in them ever again after what happened."

I wince. "You're right, I don't."

Then Amanda did something more surprising. She comes around her desk and hugs me. I stiffen at first, then hug her back.

Amanda smirks. "Good to see there's still some Stiff left in you though."

"Oh, shut up." I call back as I walk out of the office.

I exit the building and leaned against the wall. A breeze blows by lifting strands of my blond hair. The summer air slips into my lungs, and I feel like it is one of my first breath.

Just one more day, and I can finally see them again. I can finally see him again.

Tobias.

++++++++

Two Years Ago

My hands are shaking so badly, I think I'm going to drop the box of needles and syringes I'm holding.

The lack of light in the room is making the scene in front of me blur together- or is it my tears?

David and several of his henchmen stood a few  feet behind me, blocking the doorway and making sure I  won't be going anywhere, as if I would even try. They all stand there, watching me silently, waiting to see if I am able to this.

I made a bargain with David, saying that I will go back to his secret lab to continue their experiment on  me, in exchange that they won't harm any of my friends and will leave them alone.

To make sure that I'm holding up my side of the bargain, I had agreed to let them do this.

I had also requested that I give the target-specific memory serum to the to people that I love the most, while they administer the serum unnoticed to the rest of my friends.

Tobias and Christina are laying in the debris in front of me, unharmed but unconscious.

I brought them into this mess. If I hadn't escaped and find them, this wouldn't have happened. They would still be living their lives, undisturbed.

I walk toward Christina and kneel beside her, taking out one of the two syringes in the box. My hands still hasn't stop shaking.

I position the needle at the side of her neck, and look up at her face. "I'm sorry," I whisper, holding back a sob as I press the plunger down.

I look at Christina one last time, then move toward Tobias. I take out the other syringe and position it at the side of his neck as well. As I was doing so, I see that his eyelids flutter open. I suck in a breath, not wanting him to see what I'm about to do.

Tobias looks at me, disorientated. "Tris?" he croaks out.

"I'm sorry for I'm about to do." My voice cracks. "Please forgive me. It's for the best."

And before he can process the words I'm saying and stop me, I press down the plunger of the syringe.

Tobias's eyes close once more. As seconds pass by, I can imagine the serum working, extracting his memories of me. I can imagine myself slowly fade from his life, until I was nothing but thin air.

As I walk out the room, following David, I allow myself one last look at Tobias, willing him to wake up, to break free and come and take me away from this hell. But I know that's not gonna happen. I made my choices, and now I have to live with it. So instead, I try to take in every detail of him, to forever fix him in my mind and memory.

Two men pick up Tobias and Christina, planning to take them back to their own home, so it'll seem to them as if nothing has happened.

And I finally let out a sob.

I'm sorry. I love you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's note:

Hello to everyone reading this fanfic!!

This is the first time I have ever write something and publish it online so I'm very new to this. I don't know how this will go so please be patient with me!!

All comments and suggestion will be greatly appreciated!! Thank you reading!!

~ KathleenAG (Friday, July 26, 2019)