To All The Things Never Said

15

Mi Amor,

The hardest part in our entire relationship for me was the moment your sister hated me and what felt like was your mother cutting me out. It was hard to feel welcomed and I think you kind of knew that but not to the full extent.

I think the moment my friend confessed his feelings for me was the wrong sort of moment and chain of events that couldn't have happened at an even worse time.

We were already broken up and as sorry as I felt for myself he took a bit of that pain away for me. However when I was with him all I thought about was you, I was just numb to the feeling. I couldn't even tell you how that felt....It was just as if he covered the hurt but the coldness still came through.

There wasn't much to it, as I've come to process it I used him to get over it and in doing so he fell in love with a girl who was not me and will never be me again.

When I got back with you though at the winter formal and told you what I happened I didn't lie to you I told you exactly how it happened. And all throughout that secret relationship we both agreed to... part of me knew you were drifting away from me...Because of that I latched onto him still because I was afraid when(not even IF but when..) you left I wouldn't have someone to catch me. So the entire time The team Jacob team, Edward thing went on I was always team Jacob I was just scared at everything...At you leaving me in general at him leaving because I didn't want to be with him, at maybe you both leaving me out of now where no explanation. I didn't want to hurt him and yet I did.

Honestly the whole thing was a mess and I'd give my life to erase it all.

You may have forgotten it or have chosen to ignore it but I don't think I had ever felt as much pain as I did during that time. I felt to young at that moment to scared to vulnerable. And part of me didn't even know if either of you loved me in the first place....

It was as if I knew you both pitied me and you were so determined to help me, that it wasn't even love...

And that is why I was scared.....

because i knew that neither of you were in love with me at that moment...it was just a competition to see if either of you really loved me...

and that is the exact moment I went wrong.

When I listened to what my best friend at the time had to say, when she told me what would be good for me and what to do...and I can not ever blame her for the things I felt or my decision to listen to her but for the fact she purposely wanted to cause trouble...saw me hurting and took me down a path that I can not forget....

~Your Fire