To All The Things Never Said

13

I'm writing this only if I can't get myself to say it out loud. But, I'm sorry. I am sorry for everything; my busy situation, my behavior on Wednesday, all of it. To be honest, I miss you like crazy. And not being with you just makes me hate myself. I don't know if you knew, but Melatonin gives you hella dreams. And almost every night, for the past week, my dreams revolve around you in my life. So every morning I want to just cry. I hate that I hurt people this way, I honestly am not boyfriend material. I'm so sorry. I don't know If you hate my guts by now but yes I still miss you, yes I still want you, yes I still love you (I wear your "rusted" necklace everyday) That picnic on Wednesday, I was just in a bad mood, mainly because seeing you, (but not as my girlfriend) was still fresh. Not to mention I was actually hella jealous. I only left early because I knew I would do something stupid if I saw or heard anything else...I wanted to leave and mumble all the way home but I just couldn't leave without at least hugging you. So yeah..I dont know what you want right now, but I need us to be atleast friends. Because this is probably the best I'm gonna get tell Im 18. I don't want to hurt you, or anyone else. I made myself promise no more dating till 18, but you are my only exception. My parents dont believe me (yeah, I told them)...but they dont understand. If it was up to me, I would be with my girl everyday. I'd show up at lunch, pick her up afterschool, and take her out to do whatever she wanted... I'd spoil the hell outa my girl. My girl...I'd spoil her...Well anyways, it's Friday night, Your hoco is tmrw. I hope you have fun. If we still go to mine together, I'll definitely whip out "the worm" (Hah , that was stupidly cringy) Lowkey-If I didn't go with you, I'd just stay at home. My only friends at all have girlfriends at different schools or are just girls...so that's not happening(I can explain later if you want) Our anniversary was Monday, my plan was to get my mom to drive me over for lunch or even after school to bring you flowers and ask you to Hoco (starts smiling).

I keep coming back to write more, because I feel like this is my only way of talking to you. For one that bag I gave you...I don't know if you kept it, but just had some things I kept from certain moments(flowerpetals, wrapper from first day of service with you, a red tablet of medicine that you put in my pocket to hold onto for you). Sorry if that's weird, I like memorial trinkets.

I hold onto your note and read it every once in a while...

It only makes me miss you more.

I just want to keep writing, I'm sorry...

I even went back n' forth calling you my babygirl, but I dont want to make you uncomfortable But I don't know even know how you feel right now, because I can't talk to you. I'm used to the punishments of being secluded from the world, but it's not fair to everyone around me.

TBH, you haven't missed much in my life, besides an almost fight, an ambulance incident, and me realizing my friend might be gay for me...but knowing you, you've probably been in a couple fights, found more siblings, and have ad 12..15 more guys hit on you.

Another thing is that I think I live alone on weekends and on the occasional week. If i could, I'd invite SOMEONE over (even to just watch some netflix) just so i'm not alone all the time..but i know your parents would not let that happen.

Oml, this over the time of a couple hours turned from an apology letter, to me ranting on paper like im talking to you. Im sorry, I just miss you. I almost wanna pop some melatonin just so I can see you in my dreams.

I might just give you the first page to you if you're at service. And I just want to say one more time, that im sorry.

I miss you.

(lowkey hella jealous about tomorrow the 8th)I love you Forever and ever